A Day in the Life of Naraku
by Dranxis
Summary: Naraku kidnaps Rin in order to lure Sesshoumaru to his castle, for one evil purpose... to force Sesshoumaru to help him with his interior decorating? :COMPLETE!:
1. To be a Well Rounded Person

A Day in the Life of Naraku

By Dranxis

_The following is a very, erm, messed up reenactment of the manga series Inu-Yasha's 23rd volume, in which Rin was kidnapped by Naraku. Certain liberties were taken with the characters' personalities…And there is no way in hell this actually occurred in the storyline, but that's what parodies are for, right?_

_BZzzzZzzz….. Burzlllll…. Bizzz…..bzzzllllle…._

Sesshoumaru's face twisted into a rare grimace. But immediately his marbiline features settled into their indifferent norm, as he cast a look about the area.

_Buuuuuurrrrzzzz…. lll…. Bzzzz…._

_What in the name of the seven hells is that buzzing?_ the demon thought furiously. Turning his head askance, Sesshoumaru allowed one pointed ear to catch upon the odd sound.

Behind him, a breeze capered through the glade, washing over the viridian trees with a wave of conspiring whispers. The scent of rain was heavy in the air: _I'll have to fetch Jaken and Rin soon_, Sesshoumaru thought, almost irrelevantly. And into the noon continued the rise and fall of that strange buzzing. For the life of him, Sesshoumaru could not comprehend what it was. _It's been following my wake all afternoon, _he mused. _Does it believe it can overtake one such as I, the Lord Sesshoumaru? _Before long, Sesshoumaru could stand it no more. He turned and faced the stretch behind him.

Low in the sky floated a dark blotch, which bobbed and weaved drunkenly through the air. A heavy sack, twice the size of the flier at least, swung from the creature's legs. _Now, why is that thing carrying such a large sack? _he mused. _It must be ten times too heavy for that puny cretin, at least._ With the wind casting its scent toward him, Sesshoumaru identified the carrier. _Naraku's scent: it must be one of his saimyosho spies. _As he thought so, the striped wasp wobbled down through the air toward him. Sesshoumaru observed with amusement that the bulge-eyed insect was wheezing as it plopped to the ground.With a last gasp, the bee rolled over, and died of exhaustion. Its prickly legs twitched convulsively, and the sack flopped down with a heavy _thudd_.

Sesshoumaru paused, staring at the dead saimyosho's sack. Atop it was clipped a rather pristine note, tied with a bow._ It's from Naraku but, I mustn't be deceived by cute appearances. _The demon gazed on warily, almost expecting it to catch fire. Then, he took a quiet stride toward the sack, and opened the letter with a slide of his foreclaw.

Dear Sesshoumaru, Brother of Inu-Yasha:

I have in my possession one whom I know you value dearly, my dear Sesshoumaru. A human girl, who goes by the name of Rin, if I am not mistaken. She lies beneath my power within my fortress, and with my command, will be destroyed in any way I imagine. If you wish to see your dear little girl once more, you must approach my castle, unarmed. I shall disclose then the conditions under which you must agree for Rin to be returned to you.

I have also included a sack of cupcakes, which I have baked myself. They are peach-flavored.

Sincerely,

Naraku

"Damn that insidious creature!" he hissed, eyes flickering to a deep red. "What a conniving demon… Trying to lure one such as I with baked goods. How could he have known I like peaches?" _But even worse… does he know what happens to me… when I eat peaches? Is he threatening me with these cursed baked goods of peachiness? _A gust of anxiety flew through his mind. _How could he have known?_ As though he were being spied on that very moment, Sesshoumaru glared about him. But once more he composed himself, sliding a single hand along the back of his train of hair.

"Very well, Naraku," he called arrogantly to the shadows. "I shall visit your fortress, and claim what is mine." _And slay you for this…. indignity_ he added within his mind.

"L-Lord Sesshoumaruuuu!" cut a voice through the silence. Sesshoumaru half-turned to meet a breathless Jaken, who stumbled over his robes toward his master.

"Pl-pleasssse…. forgive me, m'lord," the toady demon gasped, throwing himself before Sesshoumaru's feet. "I have failed youuu… Rin was… was…"

"Captured?" Sesshoumaru said quietly, turning away. He smirked to himself at the stunned silence from Jaken. "But m'lord… How could you have known… Twas leagues away where I was watching her…"

"It matters not, Jaken," interrupted Sesshoumaru, a hint of impatience edging his sibilant voice. "I already have been informed." The demon gestured toward the dead saimyosho and the opened letter. Jaken batted his lamp-like eyes in curiosity, and shambled to his feet. Prodding the sack with the edge of his staff, the vassal turned back to his lord.

"And what of this, m'lord?" he asked, cautiously opening the edge of the sack. Involuntarily Sesshoumaru bristled, as a cupcake rolled out.

"Why, it's merely a…a….," Jaken murmured, turning it about in his hand.

"It's called a cupcake," Sesshoumaru growled. "Naraku baked them."

Jaken blinked, tasted the cupcake. "Naraku, the one who tried to control my Lord?... They aren't _poisoned_, are they?" he asked, only after tasting it. "Mmmm, why, it reminds me of peaches…"

Sesshoumaru's mouth watered for the deliciously sweet, peachy scent. But quickly he shook his head, pressing a finger to his temple. _No! I shall not be controlled by the peaches of my enemy!_ he thought, glaring the cupcakes down.

"Come, Jaken," he hissed, turning the face the forest. Jaken fell in behind him. "Naraku shall pay for this insult… oh, and yes, for capturing Lin too," he added as an afterthought, waving his hand dismissively.

For a while, the only sound was that of Sesshoumaru's sifting hair as he strode into the wind, and Jaken's pattering feet.

"Umm…. Her name's Rin… m'lord."

Naraku rested his face in one palm, and stared gloomily out into the gathering darkness. Outside, the castle's barrier shifted and shimmered, a translucent veil like oil over glass. No sound came from the envy-green treetops. No wind ruffled through the rafters, singing a mournful song. It would have been a perfectly evil and quiet atmosphere, the one Naraku relished to bask in like the glow of some warm dark lamp. But, sadly it was broken by the chiming voice of a little girl.

"Mmm… What's this?"

Naraku shuddered at the sudden sound of Rin's voice. He ignored the child, turning his pallid face to the scenery beyond. Rin, used to being disregarded by uppity demons, helped herself to her curiosity. Leaping up, she pulled down a great fluffy white robe.

"It's so warm and furry!" she cooed, bundling up Naraku's baboon cloak in her arms. Hearing the phrase "warm and furry" drew a sudden glance from Naraku.

"Just what do you think you are doing?" he drawled, raising a thin eyebrow. Rin looked from the bundle of fur in her arms to Naraku, and back.

"Do you wear this?" she asked loudly, with a smile. "Like this?" Without waiting for an answer, Rin threw it over her head. Slipping the baboon mask over her face, she ran forward.

"I'm the ghost of a BABOOOOOOOON!" she squealed, tripping over the fur. Naraku twitched. _Just what have I done, bringing this pest to my castle? She's ruining the evil atmosphere! _Behind him, Kagura hid her sneer with her fan.

"Aww, how cute. Don't you wish we had a little girl like that around here, Naraku?"

Kanna looked up from her soulless gazing. Turning black eyes to her sister, the girl scowled.

"Well, one that had _emotions_, anyway," added Kagura huffily.

Still stumbling over the fur cloak much too big for her, Rin dashed into the hall. Her pattering feet faded into the shadows.

"Kohaku, follow the child," Naraku growled. "Make sure she doesn't break... anything."

Silently Kohaku rose from his "angsting corner" and strode down the hall. But before he could get very far, the silence was rent with a _Krkllclatter!_

"Sooooooorrrrrrrrrryyyy!" cheerfully called Rin's voice. Naraku leapt to his feet. Kagura was shocked to see that he was trembling.

"No… she couldn't have broken it…. Not my…"

"Your what?" snapped Kagura.

"My precious… BEE-HIVE SCULPTURE!"

And with that, the demon sprinted into the darkness.

"…..Oh," murmured Kagura. "_That_."

-flashback-

"Kagura," began Naraku in a sincere tone, as he settled against the wall. "Do you think I'm a… well-rounded person?"

Fanning herself, Kagura shot him a bewildered look.

"What, exactly, do you mean by that?" she returned, lurid pink eyes glancing him up and down. Naraku did not answer at once, but wistfully sighed, covering his face with one hand.

"It's just… don't you think… there's more to life, outside this castle?" he asked, gesturing around the gloomy, purple-cast interior. "Haven't you ever wanted to just go out, and see the world? Meet new people? Try new things?"

Seriously disturbed by her master's change in attitude, Kagura took a step backward. Her kimono ruffled against the floor-planks, as she bitterly thought, "_I would go out and see the world, you monster, if you actually let me roam freely for once._ When his spawn/servant/slave did not answer, Naraku went on.

"I…I think I have allowed this whole Shikon Jewel mess to cloud my perception, dear Kagura. It has made me neglect the finer things in life," he concluded. Kagura raised an eyebrow.

"Finer things? Like what?"

Naraku shook his head, a sad, condescending smile on his face.

"My dear Kagura, of course you would be ignorant of such things. I speak of the arts, of the greatest pursuits in life. The dance, Kagura, the dance! The realm of literature, poetry. Sculpture, fine art. Orchestra, theatre. Philosophy. All of these things, I have ignored. Now, I would like to broaden my horizons, make myself a… culturally diverse person. Do you see?"

_Ohhhh yes, Naraku. I see. I see you've gone insane. About fucking time_, thought Kagura furiously. His eyes glazed with the beauty of his vision, Naraku stared past her, as though at Heaven.

"Now is the time for me to take wing, to see what the world has to offer me. Now, I must become a better person, and leave this sheltered, brooding life. I ask you to assist me in this journey, dear Kagura." He extended a hand.

Kagura took a step back. "Umm, Naraku, are you sure about this? Have you been feeling, erm…_ well_? You _have_ been taking your medicine like the doctor told you, right?"

"Say you'll join me or Kanna will suck your soul," ordered Naraku flatly. Behind Kagura, the little white-haired girl seemed to materialize.

"Whose soul do you want me to suck?" asked Kanna quietly. Her mirror glinted milkily in the dim light. Kagura glanced from the mirror to Naraku, from Naraku to the mirror.

"Alright, alright! Sheesh, I'll help you in your journey, or whatever."

"Excellent!" cried Naraku, clapping his hands and springing to his feet. "Now, Kagura, I was hoping you could recite these Shakespeare lines with me…."

-end flashback-

Silence. Then, a wail of grief, and the sound of Rin skipping to the second floor. Quietly, and very cautiously, Kagura crept down the hall after Naraku.

Before long, she came upon him. The demon was bowed over the shattered pieces of a large sculpture, which looked as though it was once crafted in the image of the Nest of the Hell Wasps. Little marble saimyosho were scattered about.

"… Umm, Naraku, are you… okay?" whispered Kagura, more out of fear of his wrath than out of compassion. His face turned from her, Naraku let out a tremulous sigh.

"I worked so hard, my dear," he murmured. "A work of art, that I chipped at for four days on end. Now, shattered by the follies of a _child_." He cradled the broken head of a saimyosho in his hands, and a sob escaped him. Though thoroughly disturbed by her master's unsound mind, Kagura felt the tiniest ripple of pity wash within her.

"Well, Naraku… It's okay, alright? You can make another sculpture, can't you?" she said, crouching down beside him. Naraku gave a harsh chuckle.

"Never could I recreate such a fine piece: these hands could never shape such an exquisite beehive again!" But glancing down at the lumpy fragments of beehive, Kagura could hardly have called it exquisite to begin with.

"Well, you know, Naraku," Kagura replied, reluctantly patting him on the back, "I don't think art is your, er, calling, after all. No, you were meant to be a… a…"

"Yes? Yes?" Naraku turned toward her, slitted eyes widened. Holding her fan before her face, his servant's eyes shifted.

"Uh, I meant that you make a better um…a-h-hhh…" She waved her hand vaguely in the air.

"You mean I am meant to be a… a…" her master prodded on.

"Err, what I_ meant_ to say is…"

"I think I understand now, my dear Kagura," cut in Naraku with a decisive tone. He stood up, tilted his face to the ceiling.

"You do?"

"Yes. You're right. I'm not meant to be an artist. Though I have proved my merits, I see that such a life is not for me to lead. No, I must pursue a different passion."

Blinking, Kagura stared up at him expectantly.

"And.. what passion would that be?"

Smirking, Naraku tossed his matt of wavy black hair with a flourish.

"Why, my Kagura, I must become a _chef_."

Stunned silence. Distantly from above came a squeal from Rin, and the sound of Kohaku's voice pleading for her to stop running. Kagura let her fan fall away.

"A chef," she uttered in disbelief.

"Yes. A chef."

Backing away from him, the wind witch's eyes grew wide.

"You're serious about this?"

Naraku frowned, dusted off his purple robes. Countenance taut with dissatisfaction, he swept aside the beehive fragments with his sandal.

"But of course. It's not that much of stretch—I've dabbled a bit in cooking already, baked a few trifles here and there. Hasn't Kanna told you about my peach cupcakes? They're quite yummy, if I do say so myself."

Without being ordered, Kanna stepped out of the shadows with a broom. Idly she swept the fragments aside, saying in her faint, disquieting voice:

"Yes. Yes, his cupcakes are quite yummy."

"That's right. Good girl, Kanna," said Naraku smugly. _Arrgh, he always favors that creepy, kiss-up little girl_, thought Kagura, face twisting into a frown. _While I have to put up with his weird obsessions. Well-rounded person, my ass!_

"Now, wouldn't you like to try some of my cupcakes, Kagura?" he rounded on her with a smile. Both Kanna and he stared expectantly. Kagura had no choice.

"Sure, yeah, I'd _love_ to try your cupcakes," she grumbled with false cheer. Naraku strode briskly past her, towards the castle's kitchen. Once more from above they heard the happy screams of a child, accompanied by what sounded like Kohaku being bashed over the head. Naraku hissed with frustration, once more becoming his cold self.

"Kanna, make sure that idiotic girl doesn't get blood on my floors. That worthless Kohaku, can't even control a _child_. I'd kill him off, if he weren't such a useful _shield _against that sentimental demon-slayer girl." As Kanna obediently ascended the stairs, Kagura turned to Naraku with a puzzled frown.

"Naraku, I've been meaning to ask… _Why_ did you bring that girl here in the first place? Are you trying to lure Sesshoumaru here?" She smiled wickedly at the thought. "Going to mesh him in one of your mastermind plans?"

"Yes, Kagura. It is all part of my plan, you see," he drawled, a cold smile twisting his features. "Sesshoumaru will have to assist me, if he ever wants to see his precious little girl again."

"Really? Assist you with what? Killing Inu-yasha? Gathering Shikon Shards?" Kagura went on excitedly.

"Oh, no, something better, _and _less clichéd!" said Naraku with a laugh. "Why, I shall force him to help me with… my_ interior decorating_!" Laughing triumphantly, Naraku entered the kitchen, followed by the most miserable and confused wind witch to ever serve her master.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naraku, Kanna, Kagura, or any other spawn-eriffic characters. They belong to Rumiko Takahashi.

To be Continued

In the next chapter(s), Kanna succumbs to the personality reversal of doom, while Kagura tries saké for the first time, Naraku takes cooking lessons from a very certain someone, and Sesshoumaru's dark, peach-related secret is revealed, among other nonsense. 


	2. Of Cookies and Combustion

A Day in the Life of Naraku

By Dranxis

Chapter 2: Of Cookies and Combustion

"C'mon, Ron, or Ran, or Run…." Kohaku gasped. Collapsing into the floor, the boy stretched out a feeble hand.

"Slow down… you're going to make me lose… my… job…."

"My name's RIN!" snapped the little girl, whipping around. "Why does everyone get it wrong? For chrissakes, it's one syllable!"

Head bowed to the floor, his lop of hair shadowing his face, Kohaku caught his breath. "How does that demon lord put up with you?" he sighed, at length. Getting to his knees, the demon-slayer in training struck a stance.

"My master told me to catch you… and I won't fail him!" he declared, swinging the chain of his sickle. But before he could put forth one step, Rin had scampered away.

"This is the greatest hide-and-seek place EVER!" she squealed. "So much fun! Even better than whacking Jaken on the head!" Flinging her arms out like the wings of a plane, the little girl spurred up into the next floor. Kohaku exhaled a ragged sigh, and gave chase. But then, to his horror, he heard them: those dreaded words, portending the most ominous of dooms…

"Ooooooooh! What's_ THIS_?"

_No! What if she's found it… My left sock collection? How will I spend my boring days at the castle now? Who will collect the left socks my master Naraku inexplicably leaves around? Or worse… what if she's found my diary? Or my collection of heart-rending poems?_

Terror held the boy's mind in its heart-pounding grip, its freezing embrace. _I can't live without my poems! My existence will become meaningless! I'll just be… useless carbon in the universe or something!_

Dashing up the stairs, Kohaku raced to the source of the child's giggles. Their bell-like peal was muffled behind a sliding door: with a burst of energy, he barged through. Gasping he stood confronting the darkness. And there was Rin, huddled over a box of indistinguishable objects.

"Now, what are these?" pouted Rin, holding one up to the dim light. "Looks like some kinda ugly doll." With his pulse roaring through his ears, it took a second for Kohaku to recognize the odd thing. A slim, crudely carved piece of wood, with a simple face… and one strand of black hair wound around it. It was a golem, the kind Naraku used to dispatch his "clones" around the countryside. Scattered around Rin were several other golems.

"Hmm, poor dollie, you must be sad, being so _ugly_ and all," cooed Rin. From within her kimono she drew out a stick of lipstick. "I'll make you _all _better, you just wait and see." With that, she began to draw fat pink lips around the golem's mouth.

"Wait, stop!" cried Kohaku, tackling her. They scuffled like only children could, biting and bashing and clawing at each other. From the fray emerged a victorious Rin. Kohaku squirmed, his sickle-chain tangled around his wrists and legs.

"Who knows what you could've done?" yelled the demon-slayer, worming around to face her. "Those golems are Naraku's… You're messing with powers beyond your comprehension!"

"Aww, pipe down, freckle-face," she snapped, waving him away. "I'm just giving little Henrietta here a _makeover_." Smiling, she drew little eyelashes around the wooden golem's eyes. "Look, she's so pretty now!" Kohaku untangled himself from the chains.

"Pretty? I'll show you something REAL pretty!" roared Kohaku, pouncing on her. Throughout the castle rang the drumming of their scuffle, the bangings and bashes and yelps of pain. But over it all, came a sudden, screechy lament.

"HENRIETTA!" Rin dove to the floor. In the scuffle, the make-up dabbled golem had burst into splinters. Kohaku stood horrified over her.

_Oh, master, what have I done? Somewhere out there, a golem just…_

-deep in the wilderness-

"And now, Naraku you bastard, you'll pay for ruining the lives of almost every character in this damn show!" cried Inu-Yasha, vaulting high above the fur-clad demon. His Tetsusaiga flashed golden as he unsheathed it, to cool to a light pewter. With an arc of power the dog-demon brought slamming down on the Naraku golem's head.

"Pitiful half-breed, you think you can best me?" laughed the golem, sliding deftly out of the way. "Why, you're nothing but a—" But the golem never got to finish his statement, for right there and then… he exploded.

Spattered with Naraku-juice, and bits of fluffy white fur, Inu-Yasha fell to the ground. Kagome, Miroku, Sango and Shippo stared blinking at the dark sooty spot where the Naraku had been.

Silence reigned. At length, Inu-Yasha mirrored all of their thoughts with one statement.

"What the… FUCK was that?"

-back to the castle-

Swinging his purple-clad legs briskly as he strode, Naraku turned to Kagura.

"Believe me, dear, you truly haven't lived until you've tried my cupcakes. Or until you've read War and Peace, in all its Tolstoyilian glory (coined a phrase there), but hah, I can forgive you for _that_ transgression." And he laughed as though at some private joke. Kagura scowled. _What "transgression?"_

For some time they continued to walk, passing endless corridors and dark causeways filled with clouds of miasma. As they passed, Kagura stumbled on the scattered bones of corpses, the remains of the former servants of the castle. She shuddered as they crunched beneath her feet, and dust clouds rose where they trod.

"Now, I am beginning to wish I didn't take over such a rather _large_ castle," Naraku grumbled, passing a hand across his brow. "It's such a bother just to find the kitchen in this place. And really, I'm out of shape, I don't get much exercise, leading such a sheltered life…" he trailed off. Fanning away the miasma from her face, Kagura sighed. _Why should he get exercise? All he does is sit on his ass and plot all day, or stare broodingly out the window, _she thought, lashing him with a sidelong glare. Naraku failed to notice her sudden discontent, as he rounded a bend in the hallway.

"Ah, finally! I _knew_ I left this kitchen somewhere."

Kagura had to strain her eyes to tell there lay a kitchen in the darkness. Before them, greasy pots and pans were piled in a cobweb-laced sink. Unswept floors met a ceiling splattered with what looked like bloodstains, or perhaps discolored soup. Kagura fanned the sickly-sweet smell of forgotten food away, pulling a wry face. Nearly retching as she stepped over a scuttling cockroach, the servant followed her master reluctantly into the kitchen.

"Now, let's see here," ruminated Naraku, ignoring Kagura's facial protests, "milk, eggs, flour, sugar… peaches… peaches…hmmm…no peaches…" He frowned, casting about for the vital ingredient. His dull red eyes fell upon an empty fruit basket.

"Ahh, that's right. I used up all my peaches making cupcakes for Sesshoumaru. No matter: I shall make you some cookies instead. Is that alright, Kagura?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," grumbled Kagura. She glanced longingly at the door, hoping to be away from her master as fast as she could. Naraku rubbed his hands gleefully together, reaching for an apron on the wall. "KISS THE COOK" arced across its front in bold red letters.

"Now Kagura! When I name the ingredient, I want you to pass it over here. We'll whip up some cookies in no time at all."

"What kind of cookies?" she asked in a bored tone. Naraku smiled.

"Well, I'm not sure exactly what's going to be in them. You see, I haven't gotten out much to shop for groceries, so we'll just have to…be a little_ creative_ with the ingredients. But they'll still be great, I assure you of that."

Kagura stared at him, aghast, as the meaning of his words sank in. _Oh my Kami-sama, what have I gotten myself into!_

Meanwhile…

Kanna gazed up into the darkness. Upon her ears fell various screams, yelps, and other assorted signs of a fight. She gave a small sigh, readjusting the mirror in her hands.

"Well, I guess I'd better check on them," she whispered, ascending the stairs. Her sandaled feet made no sound on the wooden steps, though the hem of her plain dress rustled against the planks. Holding her black eyes ahead, she listened, catching angry bursts of Kohaku and Rin's voices:

"Lookit what you did to Henrietta!"

"What I did? You were the one coloring on Naraku's golem! When he catches you, your going to be in soooooooo much trouble!"

"Nyah nyah! You better not tattle-tale!"

"Narakuuuuuu! Master, Kin's broke your golem!"

"HER NAME'S HENRIETTA! AND MY NAME'S RIN! Get it right! And… and.. HE

did it!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too! Hey, what's your name?"

"Kohaku."

"KOHAKU BROKE IT!"

"Hey!"

Kanna rolled her eyes. _The fools… Worse than children! They're so loud! At least I know when to keep my mouth shut around here. _A brief flicker of irritation crossed her face. _Honestly, I'm the only quiet character in this show. _Kanna smiled, inwardly proud of her reserve and maturity for one as young as she. _I'm Naraku's favorite. He told me to punish that boy if he couldn't keep the girl in line… Now, my only threat to that title, Kohaku, will soon be eliminated. Then the hierarchy of favoritism will be in its rightful order._

Mounting the stairs to the next floor, the soulless girl followed the sound of Rin and Kohaku's voices. Before long, she came upon their room, where the two children had set up forts of chests and chairs.

"Take that, radish-head!" cried Rin, lobbing a pillow like a grenade over her fort. Kohaku dodged the projectile, returning fire with stuffed animals.

"Radish head? What kinda name is that?"

"I dunno, your hair reminds me of the tufty part… the part you pull outta the ground…" Scampering forward, Rin stormed his fort, leaping up to pull the boy's ponytail.

"Well, what's with this? It looks like an exit wound!" he said, dodging her and tugging on her short lopsided pigtail. Rin squealed and stamped on his foot.

"_Sesshoumaru_ thinks it's pretty!"

Kanna coughed. But neither the boy nor the girl before her noticed. Clearing her throat, Kanna coughed again, suddenly regretting her unnoticeable-ness. When the two children did not even look her way, she stamped her foot.

"Will you two stop fighting and listen for once!" she yelled raspily. To her surprise, Kohaku and Rin glanced her way. Kohaku shuffled away from Rin, staring sheepishly at the ground.

"Oh, Kanna… Umm, this isn't what it looks like… Nothing happened here, honest, there's nothing to tell Naraku…"

"But he broke Hen—!" Quickly Kohaku stifled the child, clamping a hand over her mouth. Turning to an indifferent Kanna, he grinned cheesily.

"This little girl doesn't know what she's talking about." Her screams muffled against his hand, Rin squirmed, face red with rage. Kanna stepped forward, a twitch of disgust appearing over her brow.

"I've had it with you two, ruining the nice, peaceful silence in this castle," she whispered in a small, menacing voice. Rin stopped struggling as silence fell.

"You and that girl, breaking the master's things, yelling and jumping about like monkeys… I've had enough it it," she continued, advance. Kohaku stepped back, his eyes wide. He had never seen the emotionless girl so angry, or even angry at all. Kanna lifted her mirror, sending a prismic gleam in their direction.

"You know, I could tell Naraku about this, right now. That you let the girl break one of his golems. That you disobeyed orders, Kohaku," she hissed, walking slowly in his direction. "Naraku _listens_ to me. I'm his favorite. He always counts on me. But you… you are _dispensable_. You're just a shield against you're sister." A tiny smile appeared on her face. "I could kill you right now, with this mirror, and no one would even _notice_." The horrible smile remained on her pallid mask of a face, as her short tresses of white hair flared about like a wicked frame. "How would you like to have your soul sucked from your body, Kohaku? Think it'd make any difference? After all, you don't _remember_ anything about yourself, do you?"

Terror shone in Kohaku's eyes, as he stood merciless before the white-clad girl. Beside him, Rin huddled close, now petrified into silence by this strange new girl. Kanna laughed, a small, ghostly whisper of a laugh.

"You know what, Kohaku? I haven't done something without Naraku's orders in a long time. This is going to be fun." With that she lifted her mirror, and flashed it in his direction. For a fleeting moment, Kohaku saw his reflection, his pale face and terror-stricken eyes. Grinning, Kanna raised the mirror, stepped forward to steal his soul when—

She tripped on a stuffed animal.

Kanna went flying. With a thwunk she slammed into the floor head crashing into the ground. Her mirror rolled harmlessly away.

Still rooted with fear, Kohaku and Rin stared at Kanna's down-turned face. Minutes passed, and the girl did not get up. A little dribble of blood oozed out from where her forehead lay.

"Eeeeeeeeewwwww…" whined Rin. "Is it dead?" She stepped forward, poking Kanna's still body.

"I… I dunno…." gasped Kohaku, still shaken. "But let's not wait around to find out. C'mon, Rin let's get outta---"

"Urrrrgghhhh. My head!" groaned Kanna, sitting up. She rubbed her forehead, face scrunched up with pain. Standing up, she glared about as though looking for someone to blame. Rin jumped back.

"OWWWWWiiiieee! Okay, which one o' you punks gave me this booboo?" Kanna demanded, sticking out her bottom lip. As the two other children stared, Kohaku slowly realized that something was very, very wrong. Kanna dusted her dress off with an impatient air.

"Oh, stop staring like dat! Spit it out! Where am I, and who are you two?" she continued, pointing a stubby finger at the two of them. After a great deal of confused blinking, Kohaku answered her.

"Umm, Kanna… are you feeling okay?"

"Huh? My name's not Kanna…. It's Kiki. You got the wrong girl, boy."

_She hit her head harder than I thought! _realized an astounded Kohaku. Rin inched forward, squinting intently at the other girl.

"Kohaku, I think she's got…uh.. what do they call it? Ammeezia?" she ventured, staring at Kanna as though at a zoo animal with a rare disease.

"Whatchu talkin' bout, girl?" snapped Kanna, glaring fiercely at Rin. "I don't got no annezier or nutin'… I remember fine. I remember lots o' things."

Kohaku scratched his head. "What… kinds of things do you remember, uh, Kiki?" he said, a small smile of amusement on his face. Scowling at his sarcastic tone, Kanna "hmmphed!"

"I got's a good memory. I remember big sistah Kagoowa, and how I used to steal her makeup… And I remember Daddy too…"

"…Daddy?" Rin and Kohaku exchanged a significant glance.

"Yeah, 'course I remember Daddy. He's the bestest Daddy in the whole wide world!" squealed Kanna, jumping in the air. "Hey, just where _is_ Daddy, anyway? DAAAAAAADDDDDDYYYYY!" And with Kohaku and Rin staring wild-eyed after her, Kanna raced out of the room.

Silence. Rin traded looks with Kohaku once more.

"Err, Kohaku…. She isn't talking about… _Naraku_, is she?"

With her arms crossed, Kagura glared doubtfully down at the tray of cookies in the oven. Waves of heat issued from its closed hatch. Humming the tune to his background music theme, Naraku rocked back and forth on his heels.

Rubbing two fingers to her temple, Kagura recalled to mind how they had prepared the cookies. Minutes stretched as she glared at the cookies, then at Naraku.

Oblivious of her glaring, Naraku continued to hum his repetitive theme music.

"Dunh-nun-nun nuh, NUH, Dun-nun-nun-nun nuh… Dunh-nun-nun nuh, NUH, Dun-nun-nun nuh…"

"Naraku, are you sure these cookies are going to be any good?" she cut in irritably, sick and tired of her master's recent little habits. Naraku paused, jarred out of his theme-trance, then realized that he was being spoken too.

"But of _course_, my dear. You really must never have tried my cooking to ask such an obvious question. Why, my cookies are the epitome of subtlety, ranging in the most exquisite of tastes…"

"Have you made cookies with _these _kinds of ingredients before?" she persisted. Somehow, cookies baked with mustard, curry rice, mayonnaise, salted pickles, and licorice were not her opinion of good eatin'. Naraku turned up his nose to the air.

"Kagura, if you continue to doubt my skills as your master, I may have to rethink keeping you around as my servant. Do you want to become part of my body once more?" he said icily, the hungry, malicious gaze of old coming into his eyes. Kagura took a step back, making apologetic gestures with her fan.

"No, no, of course not, master… I wouldn't dream of insulting your cookies… Just please, don't take me back…"

"I thought so," he hissed, the words like the touch of a cold whip from his mouth. When he turned around, Kagura grimaced. _That bastard, I'll say what I like about his cookies._

For a while, they stood in silence, watching the hatch of the oven as it glowed a warm red. Finally, and thankfully before Naraku could start up his humming again, a little _dling! _cut the silence.

"Ah, the cookies are done!" exclaimed Naraku, bustling forward with oven mitts. Kagura stepped back as he slid out a steaming tray of cookies. Or… more like little yellow-brown piles of boiling mush.

"Don't get too excited: we're going to have to wait for them to cool down first," warned Naraku, as though to a child. Kagura, though, was only too happy to delay the eating of such dreaded cookies a little while longer.

At length, the fizzling, molten cookies cooled and hardened to a deep muddy brown. Kagura longed to pinch her nose to overcome their horrible mustard smell. Naraku, however, seemed perfectly content with the appearance of his cookies.

"Why, they look wonderful! I've never baked a finer batch. Now, my dear Kagura," he said ceremoniously, taking out a spatula with sincere gravity, "_you_ shall be the first to try these cookies. Oh, how lucky you are!" He slipped the spatula underneath a cookie. With visible signs of a struggle, he pried it off the tray surface, leaving a little ring of crust on the metal. And then, with a look of death in Kagura's eyes, he offered it to her.

Kagura stared at the cookie in her hand. With a pleading face, she tried to give it back to Naraku.

"But, Naraku…. These are your specialty… You should be the first to try them…" But Naraku adamantly shook his head. Knowing she had no choice, Kagura reached up the cookie to her mouth… and took a small bite.

Staring expectantly at his servant as she chewed, Naraku clasped his hands together.

"Isn't it delicious? Now, Kagura, I want you to be _completely_ honest about what you think of my cookies, okay?"

"You want me to be…honest?" murmured Kagura darkly, with cookie in her mouth. Naraku nodded. Taking a deep breath, Kagura motioned to swallow, then spat out the cookie to the side.

"Your cookies are HORRIBLE!" she snarled, sputtering out the last disgusting crumbs from her mouth. The smile wiped off of his pale face, Naraku gazed earnestly at her.

"But, no… you can't mean they…"

"Look, Naraku, I'm tired of putting up with your stupid little hobbies. I'm telling you right now: you SUCK at cooking. Your cookies are REVOLTING. Got it?" She gave the last dumply cookies a dirty look. With his head in his hands, Naraku stared at her with disbelief.

"But… but… _Juromaru _said he liked my cookies!" he whimpered, putting out his hands in a hopeful gesture.

"Juromaru… was a freaking bloodthirsty MONSTER!" Kagura snapped, waving her fan. "That freak had orange juice and raw dog livers for breakfast! What makes you think HE knew anything about cookies?"

"Well, Kagura," growled Naraku, now over the shock of the slight to his cooking skills, "what do you propose we _do _about my cooking?" He dusted off his apron, then glared at her demandingly.

"Well, for one thing…" faltered Kagura, who honestly didn't know how to improve such a hopeless cook, "we need to get someone who knows about this sort of thing. You know. To teach you."

"Alright.. like who?"

"Erm, well… It can't be a guy," she said emphatically, closing her fan and tapping it to her chin in thought. "That would be just… too creepy. You know, for another guy to come over here, and teach you to cook."

Naraku sighed, rolled his eyes to the ceiling. He slid a hand impatiently through his tangled hair.

"Okay, okay, so I'll find a woman. Now, Kagura, you know… I don't know very many women." Once more he sighed, inwardly grieving his lack of a social life. Not having thought of this, Kagura pulled a bewildered face.

"Well, um… Okay, so how many women _do_ you know?"

"Hmm, let's see. There's you…"

"Nuh-uh. I don't know anything about cooking. I didn't even know we had a kitchen in this place," she said, truthfully. Naraku tapped one foot to the floor, obviously straining his brain.

"Then there's that Inu-Yasha's wench, Kagome… I could capture her, force her to teach me how to cook…" He smiled evilly at the thought. Kagura shook her head.

"Nah. Too young and inexperienced. She'd probably just make you worse."

"There's Tsubaki… But I don't even know where she is. And then Sango… but no, no, we can't have that… She'd just come here as an excuse to take back her brother… There's just one other person…" But the pained look on his face said that he'd have anyone but them.

"Well, who does that leave?" snapped Kagura, who was at her wit's end. Naraku turned his face away, sighed heavily.

"…Kikyo."

He covered his face with one hand. Kagura raised an eyebrow.

"Kikyo. Hmm.. Isn't she that one priestess?" Naraku nodded.

"And…" trailed off Kagura, a strange look on her face, "doesn't she… like… hate your guts or something?"

Again, a silent nod from Naraku. Kagura continued to stare at him.

"And isn't she the one... that you have, umm, rather provocative posters of in your closet?"

"…Yes."

More confused silence from Kagura. Then: "Well, umm, okay…Naraku, if you really, really want to learn how to cook… It looks like she's your only choice."

Turned away from her, Naraku remained silent. Then, at length, she heard it: a quiet, muffled laughter. Very steadily, it climbed in volume, until Naraku's shoulders began to quake with the effort of hiding his laughter. Then, he whirled around, laughing at the top of his lungs.

"Kagura! Get a piece of parchment and a pen!" he ordered triumphantly, with a sweep of his hand. "There's a message I want you to deliver to my dear, dear lady Kikyo…"

To be continued

Authoress's note: Whew! A little longer than the last one. This one foreshadows some of the weirder meetings of characters that are to come. Anyway, THANK YOU readers for reviewing, and also the readers who are too lazy to review. It makes me happy that someone could actually find this bizarre crap funny.

Oh, and sorry for the lack of Sesshiness in this chapter. But trust me, you're going to see plenty of him in the next one… heh heh…


	3. Thirteen Bottles of Saké On the Wall

A Day in the Life of Naraku

By Dranxis

Chapter Three: Thirteen Bottles of Saké On the Wall

Sesshoumaru stood upon the edge of a precipice that rose above the forest-clad hills. He paused for dramatic effect, allowing the wind to catch his hair. Behind him, Jaken stumbled over a rock. Gasping, the vassal stood up and readjusted his hat.

"Are we there… _yet,_ master?"

For a moment, Sesshoumaru remained silent, overseeing the dark valleys before him with the eyes of a conqueror. Then he spoke, in droll, richly amused tones:

"The wind brings the scent of our foe, Jaken. It will not be long before we are at his gates." _And before I punish the fool for threatening me with such foolery_, he added within his mind. Jaken shielded his eyes against the wane sunlight, looking out before them.

"Well, I don't see this castle of Naraku's, Lord Sesshoumaru. Could that wretch have hidden it? It'd be like the fool, attempting to hide a castle from one such as m'lord…"

"He's erected barriers that render it scentless and invisible to us, Jaken," said Sesshoumaru softly. "But it seems as though they have been weakened today, perhaps to draw us in."

Jaken gave a sharp bark of a laugh, scowling down at the dark greenery.

"So, Naraku's prepared a welcome for us… But, Lord Sesshoumaru, you can't be sure this isn't a trap? Perhaps he left the scent to lead us astray? Maybe we're going in the wrong—"

"I _know_ what I'm doing, Jaken," hissed Sesshoumaru, his fur and hair bristling slightly.

"Oh, n-nononooooo m'lord, I didn't mean to imply.." sputtered the toad. But under his breath, Jaken added, "But m'lord sure seemed to know what he was doing when he misjudged his leap across the chasm, and fell in that muddy river…."

_B'TWHAK!_

"Jaken, I'd think it'd be best if you didn't talk anymore today," said Sesshoumaru lightly. He glowered down at the still-visible mudstains on his white robes. Jaken, a large throbbing bump on his head, weakly answered:

"Yes, master."

Naraku lifted his hand to the sky, as one of his saimyosho flew off, a pink letter tied to its leg.

"Now, my precious courier, fly as though you Apollo's very steeds backed your fervent wings, and bequeath this love-wrought message to that whom my heart cherishes, the fair damsel with the ebon tresses, the priestess whom all the angels of Heaven envy…."

"Woah, getting kinda eloquent there," muttered Kagura at his side. "You've been reading too many of those stupid books, Naraku. Honestly, sometimes I'm worried you're going to saddle up and call yourself Don Naraku of La Mancha, and go questing off in the name of Kikyo del Toboso…"

"I was_ joking_, you fool," he growled. Kagura's increasingly scornful behavior towards he, her master, had begun to get on the half-demon's nerves. "As though I'd be foolish enough to think myself a knight. And when did you read Don Quixote?"

"High school," Kagura said with a wave of her hand. "But that's not the point. Naraku, how do expect Kikyo to—"

"You went to high school?"

"Yeah, I did. Anyway, Kikyo'll never—"

"When was this?"

"What?"

"High school. When did you go to high school?"

"That's not the point. I'm trying to say—"

"But, you can't have gone to high school, my dear Kagura. That's several centuries in the future, you silly."

"ANYWAY, as I was saying, " Kagura snapped, face contorted with frustration, "hell will freeze over before that freaky bitch will give you cooking less—"

"And really, Kagura, you should tell me when you undertake such a rigorous thing as high school. I could have helped you with your homework!"

With a cry of _"Hopeless!"_ Kagura stomped away. Naraku looked after her, bewilderment on his face, then turned to face the sky.

"Oh well. I can't please every woman in this world, can I? Kikyo, however… I shall see that she does want for _anything_… In return of course, for her unparalled skills in cookery…"

As Naraku ruminated pleasantly at the thought, his eyes fell upon the setting sun. Its last gilden rays lay upon a shadowed figure far in the highlands, setting it in a frame of fire.

_Sesshoumaru approaches_, he thought, one brow arching. _I thought as much: it's been two chapters already, and with such a missive as I have sent, he wouldn't have tarried. He will never be able to refuse my offer, proud as he is._

A small smile flickered across his deathly face. _I know his secret, his ultimate weakness. The great lord Sesshoumaru will bend like bamboo in a storm before my will._

Turning on his heel, the demon strode into his castle.

"Kagura, come here," he commanded, staring at the figure in the shadows. With a barely concealed grudge, she walked toward him. Her scowling face clearly said, "And what's it _this_ time!"

"My dear, the time is nigh for Sesshoumaru's arrival. I ask you to, shall we say, prepare the castle for our honored guest: set the table, and fetch some saké, would you? This castle surely has some in the cellars, for human lords are very fond of the drink. Bring some as a sign of courtesy to our guest. I have _much_ to discuss with him."

"Sesshoumaru… is coming here?" she asked incredulously. Somehow, she had doubted that the cold demon would come for either his annoying brat or the cupcakes.

"Of course. With my offer, how could he possibly refuse? Now off with you, off to the cellars…"

Obediently the wind witch turned away, mind too astounded to argue with her master. _Inu-Yasha's brother, Sesshoumaru! Why would such a powerful demon be coming here? Perhaps there was more to those cupcakes that Naraku sent… But no matter. This is a golden opportunity. Sesshoumaru is the only one capable of truly destroying my master. The only one capable of granting my freedom, at last…_

A rare, hopeful smile lit up Kagura's face. _Finally, a chance for the freedom I deserve! Maybe Sesshoumaru has come here to slay my master… And rescue me! Oh, how I'd long for such an event…_ But at the thought, she shook her head, sending her green beaded earrings rattling. _No, I mustn't fool myself with such fantasies… Love is nothing more than a burden, to I, Kagura of the wind…_

And it was then that she heard it: a long, drawn out squeal, growing louder with each second…

"Oh _DaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAADDDDDDDY!_ Kiki, your favorite-est little pwincess, wants a huuuuUUUUUUUUUUgggggg!"

"No," Kagura gasped, stepping back. "That voice… It can't be…no.. not AGAIN!"

Kanna flew through the hall. Arms outstretched she tackled Kagura, who staggered back as though hit with a cannonball. Grinning up at her, the little girl laughed.

"Where's Daddy hiding, Kagoowa? Where'd ju put'im?" she demanded, hugging Kagura's knees.

"Umm, Daddy's umm, not here, err, Kiki," Kagura stuttered, her eyes shifting about helplessly. Oh, how she regretted the day when Kanna had hit her head and caught amnesia… And Kagura, as a prank, had filled the girl's head with nonsense…

-flashback-

"Who am I?"

The small, unearthly voice came from the shadows. Kagura, boredly fanning herself by the window, turned to look.

"Oh, gimme a break with the angst, Kanna. If anyone should be questioning their existence it should be me."

"But… I really don't know my name," continued the voice, now reduced to a whimper. From the darkness emerged a tearful Kanna, clutching her head. "I hit my head, and I don't know where I am…"

Kagura's sharp eyes widened. "Oh… my…" She bent down, staring at the sniffling Kanna. "You.. hit your head and can't remember anything?"

"Can't you tell me who I am?" Kanna went on. Kagura scratched her head.

"Well, your name is Kanna… and you serve… umm…" But she couldn't bring herself to tell the distraught little girl about the dismal life they led. Kanna stared at her expectantly with wide, tear-brimmed black eyes. Sitting back, Kagura suddenly smiled.

_Well, she'll probably remember soon anyway… Maybe I should have some fun, while I can…_

"Okay, scratch that. Your name's Kiki."

"Ooooh, I like that name! It's pwetty."

"Yes. Yes it is. And you see that man over there?" Whispering, she pointed to Naraku, seen across the corridor. "He's your Daddy." Kagura could barely restrain her laughter as Kanna's eyes lit up.

"And my Daddy's pwettytoo!" She cupped her hands with glee. "So… are you my mama?" Kanna asked, turning toward her. As the meaning of her words sank in, Kagura blinked, then blushed uncontrollably, a frustrated scowl on her face.

"No, no-nononoo… I'm your _sister_, stupid," she snapped, fanning herself. Kanna ignored the stupid comment, throwing herself on Kagura like a monkey on a banana.

"Kiki LOVES her sister!"

-end flashback-

"Kagura, I thought I told you to-- oh… my…." Naraku stopped dead. His eyes wide with horror, the demon receded like a cornered animal, as his sights fell upon the grinning little Kanna.

"Daddy! Gimme a HUG!" laughed Kanna, forsaking Kagura for the purple-clad lord before her. Naraku barely dodged the flying white girl as she crashed into the floor.

"What is the meaning of this, Kagura?" he snarled, jabbing a thin finger at the sprawled girl. "I thought this little joke of yours was over months ago!"

"How was I supposed to know she would revert to this state?" she cried in exasperation. Behind them, Kohaku and Rin stood sheepishly.

"We were, um, playing…" began Rin.

"…and Kanna hit her head…" finished Kohaku.

Naraku slapped a hand to his forehead.

"Kagura… I'll tear your heart in two for this..." he growled through clenched teeth. Kanna bounced to her feet.

"What? You're not happy to see me, Daddy? C'mon… Gimme a piggy-back ride! Just like you always used to!"

"…_Just like you always used to_?" repeated Kagura, Rin, and Kohaku in unison, staring dumbstruck at Naraku. He raggedly sighed, putting a hand before his face.

"Okay, okay… Once, to shut her up, when she was still amnesiac like this… I gave her one… a damn piggy-back ride…"

"It was REALLY fun!" interjected Kanna.

"Kohaku! Restrain the girl!" he yelled, as Kanna tugged on his robes and chased after him. "To think… just before my meeting with Sesshoumaru!"

Without question, Kohaku leapt forward and wrestled a wiggling Kanna to the ground. He tied her up with the chain of his sickle, as Rin held down the girl's hands and feet. Immediately Kanna shed her saccharine glee for a broiling anger. She kicked and screamed, biting viciously at Rin and Kohaku.

"If you take me away from Daddy… AH'LL KEEEEEEEEL YA!" she screamed. Despite her protests, Kohaku hoisted Kanna away into the shadows. As Rin followed him, Naraku slumped against the wall.

Slowly, the sound of the resisting Kanna faded into the distant passages. Naraku remained near the wall. Frozen, Kagura stared at him in fear, knowing better than to speak a single word. With a frustrated hiss, Naraku spoke to her.

"Kagura… weren't you _doing_ something…?"

Kagura leapt to her feet. "Yes, yes m'lord! I'll get that saké right away!" she replied breathlessly, dashing away before her master could explode on her. Without turning to watch her leave, Naraku gazed apathetically out of the far window.

"There's only one thing that could lift my mood, right now," he murmured to himself. His eyes traced the shadowy edges of the mountains in the night. "And thank Sesshoumaru for bringing it. It's interior decorating time."

As he strode up to the door, the rich fabric of his garb swinging, Sesshoumaru slid Toukijin out from his sash.

"And now, Jaken, I shall destroy this affronting door, and show Naraku the true extent of my power…" He lifted the sword, causing its double-bladed edges to flash in the dying light. Just as the ogre-fang weapon glowed with power, Jaken spoke up.

"Umm, m'lord… Why don't we use the doorbell?"

Sesshoumaru paused in mid-swing, glanced with a twitch of annoyance toward the door. A little doorbell button, framed with flowery porcelain, was mounted on the wall. Sorely disappointed, he set the Toukijin back into his sash.

"Very well, Jaken, if it pleases you, I shall use the doorbell, just this once." He reached one long-fingered hand forward to press it.

"Err, Lord Sesshoumaru, I'm not saying you should use it, I'm just pointing out the option—"

"Do you want me to ring the doorbell or not?"

"Nonono, I'm not telling you to do anything, m'lord. _I'm just saying_—"

Another kick to the head silenced Jaken for the moment. Sesshoumaru rang the doorbell, listening as a faint _ding, dong _echoed through the castle inside. He stood back, stared wordlessly at the door. Silence. Behind him, the trees murmured with the wind, while Jaken muttered incoherently under his breath. Sesshoumaru shifted onto his other foot, continued to wait. Several minutes passed, before he heard pattering feet at the door.

With a creak, the door slid open slightly. Kohaku peeped his head around the crevasse, wide eyes staring at the demon lord and his vassal before him.

"Is this the Naraku residence?" snapped Sesshoumaru, not recognizing the boy. Kohaku nodded fearfully.

"You wouldn't be… Sesshoumaru, would you?" he asked timidly, glancing at the dog-demon's two swords. Sesshoumaru gave a slight, aristocratic nod, to which Kohaku opened the door.

"Come in, then. My master is expecting you."

Glancing back occasionally, the demon-slayer in training led Sesshoumaru and Jaken through the entree way. As they walked, Sesshoumaru glared about the bare hallways with disdain, while Jaken's eyes blinked in the dim light. Before long, they came upon a low-ceilinged room, where Naraku sat before a low table. Turning slowly to offer them a maliciously benevolent smile, Naraku tapped a spot next to him.

"Ahh, so you have come, Sesshoumaru. Please, have a seat. There are matters of importance that must be discussed between you and I. Kohaku, please take Sesshoumaru's servant elsewhere. This must be a private conversation, you understand."

"B-but, m'lord…" stuttered Jaken, turning pleading eyes to his master as Kohaku tugged him away.

"Just go, Jaken. We won't be… long," Sesshoumaru said stiffly, staring at Naraku fiercely as he spoke. Reluctantly, Jaken allowed the boy to lead him away. Still smiling, Naraku faced the table.

_Argh, where is that wench Kagura with the _s_aké? No matter, I have other weapons of courtesy at my arsenal, _he thought, pulling out an object from his robes and placing it on the table.

"I see you are in fine health, Sesshoumaru."

"…And you as well, Naraku," replied Sesshoumaru in a low voice, tiger-yellow eyes watching the other demon's every move. Naraku clasped his hands together, gesturing once more to the spot beside him.

"Please have a seat. I won't have such an honored guest standing in my household."

After a pause, Sesshoumaru strode slowly over to the table, and sat opposite of Naraku. A cautious expression lay on his scathing face. _Now, Naraku, what devious traps could you have in store for me?_

"I presume that you have come for the girl. No worries: she is perfectly safe in sound, I assure you."

"…What girl?" murmured Sesshoumaru, genuine confusion on his face. Naraku blinked.

"That human girl… Rin is her name, I believe?"

"Oh, do you mean Trin?" returned Sesshoumaru boredly. The expression on his face clearly showed that he had come for other reasons.

"So am I mistaken? Her name is Trin?"

"Or maybe it was Min… But it is of no importance, Naraku. We both know why I have come here. Those cupcakes you sent me… the ingredient contained within them…" Sesshoumaru's eyes pinched at the corners with suspicion. "What did you mean, sending me _peach_ cupcakes?"

Naraku smiled benignly. Ignoring his companion's question, he brought the object he had pulled out before into the light. With a casual air Naraku slid it toward Sesshoumaru. To his mild amusement, the dog demon observed that it was a cup of yogurt.

"Sesshoumaru, would you like some yogurt?" he tempted in an oily voice, proffering a spoon beside it. The yogurt's cheap plastic sides gleamed dully in the darkness. Across the label splayed the phrase "Same great custard taste!" Sesshoumaru glanced darkly from the yogurt to Naraku, from Naraku to the yogurt.

"And what, exactly, is the meaning of this?" asked Sesshoumaru in a slightly insulted tone, glowering distastefully down at the yogurt. Naraku's smile grew crooked. With the same smooth, casual movement, he pulled back the lid. Sesshoumaru's eye's widened… That sweet, fruit scent… it couldn't be…

"Why, Sesshoumaru, it's _peach_-flavored!"

Instantly everything seemed to melt away before Sesshoumaru's eyes. It was just him, and the yogurt. Before him it seemed to laugh and say, _C'mon, Sesshoumaru, one scoop wouldn't hurt!_

"No, NO! I mustn't be tempted… I cannot let the peaches take over!" he cried, leaping to his feet. Naraku laughed as Sesshoumaru kicked the table aside, sending the yogurt flying. Panting heavily, Sesshoumaru's eyes boiled a dark red as he snarled down at Naraku.

"So you DO know my secret! Naraku, I swear by my father's fang, that you will not live a single day more with this knowledge!"

"Ahh, but it takes me only a moment to let the whole world know what happens to you when you eat peaches," snickered Naraku slyly. "Make a single move against me, and they'll all know… Jaken, Kagura, Rin, even Inu-Yasha shall mock you for eternity."

As his words rang into the silence, Sesshoumaru's wrath subsided. He stared warily at Naraku, fingers twitching with his last vestige of rage.

"So, I see then. Blackmail. You want me to do something for you, is that it? Or else you'll tell them about…?"

"Yes, Sesshoumaru, that is precisely my design. And speaking of designs, there is something I want you to help me with…"

But at precisely that moment, Kagura barged into the room. She slumped against the sliding door, a strange expression on her face.

"Ah… here ya' arrreee…." she breathed sleepily. She sloppily brought a large jug of something to her mouth and took a swill. Naraku stared at his servant. Her half-asleep, ruddy expression, her slow movements, her slurred voice… _No… she couldn't have…_

"Wooh, Naraku, ya shoul' try shum o'this -hic- stuff's… here…. -hic-…" she trailed off, leaning into the door. "Human'sh have it good… Why didn' I try shum saké before? Tis' good.. yeah, ish good…"

_Le gods!_ realized Naraku with horror. _She's dead drunk!_

Sesshoumaru's eyes flicked from Naraku to Kagura. Seeing Naraku's mortified expression, he had to conclude that this little scene was not in the demon's plans. Kagura swung her half-lidded eyes around the room, and at length spotted Sesshoumaru. Her red, boozy face lit up in a smile. Whatever heavily-guarded feelings Kagura had for the dog demon were unleashed in her drunken stupidity.

"Oh, ya came ferrrr meh!" she exclaimed, practically falling off the door. "Shesshoumaru, Ah knew yer lurved meh… -hic- Yer came ter rescue mehh…"

As Sesshoumaru's eyes widened in confusion, Kagura half-stumbled, half-ran toward him, flinging the jug aside and throwing her hands in the air.

"Cassh meh, Sheshoooouuumaru!" she sang, collapsing on him. With a disgusted face, Sesshoumaru quickly shoved the dead weight off of him. He glared at Kagura like something unbelievably foul, as she turned back toward him.

"Awrh, c'mon. -hic- Doncha like meh?" she smiled, draping herself heavily over his shoulder. "Lesh go, yer an' I. Off ter the… hic- woords. Ah know a noish little spot there… We c'n have shum fun…"

"What is the meaning of this, Naraku?" spat Sesshoumaru, slamming Kagura not-too-gently into the nearest wall. "Is this some other scheme of yours?"

Naraku stormed toward Kagura. His eyes blazed as he roughly hauled her up by the hair, his own hair seeming to crackle about his head with anger.

"Damn wench, I asked you specifically to BRING some alcoholic beverages. Not to DRINK them. God, how many did you have?"

Struggling away from his iron grip on her hair, Kagura pulled an ugly face at the master she hated so much.

"What's wron' with a lil' drink er two? I just thought I'd try shum… Neffer had any buhfore…"

"How. many. did you. have?" growled Naraku in a low voice, grounding out each word with force. Kagura gave a big, careless yawn, releasing her fetid alcohol breath.

"Ah dunno… Lost count after umm… -hic- thirteen shumtin'…."

"Thirteen shots?" asked Naraku, his eyes boring into her. Kagura shook her head.

"Nah, Ah mean bottlesh. Thirteen bottlesh."

Sesshoumaru, now convinced that Naraku was completely inept at keeping his servants in line, watched with amusement as Naraku smacked her upside the head. To this Kagura exploded with drunken rage, tackling him into the ground. They wrestled rather violently over the floor, tearing eachother's hair.

"THISH IS FER SCHQUEEZIN' MAH POOR -hic!- HEART!" yelled Kagura lustily, banging his head against the floor. Naraku twisted around and brought his knee crashing into her jaw.

"And this… is for making fun of my pastries last week!" he cried, his hands wrapped around her neck. Kagura whipped around and bit him deep in the arm. He cried out, slatting her away with one hand. Instantly Kagura whirled back and pounced on him. For several minutes they vented their pent up hatred of eachother out across the floor.

All this Sesshoumaru saw. Very slowly, like a retreating animal that did not want to attract the attention of two fighting bears, he stood up. He walked, as leisurely as he could make it, toward the door.

_I don't have anything to pair from these two fools_, he thought scornfully. _My secret should remain safe: I see now that Naraku is too stupid to exploit it. It must have been a bluff from the start._

"Heyheyey!" called Kagura. She disentangled herself from Naraku. "Where's you goin'? Whaddabout hic recuin' meh, huh?" Naraku stood up, dusted off himself with dignity.

"And we have unfinished business as well, Sesshoumaru," he said warningly. Sesshoumaru half-turned, glanced from Kagura to Naraku. They stared back. And then, without warning, the chase began.

"Getback here!" screamed Kagura as she ran after Sesshoumaru. "Yer not the man Ah thought -hic- you were!"

"Sesshoumaru, the PEACHES are calling!" said Naraku in a sing-song voice. Sesshoumaru sprinted through the corridors, feet skimming lightly over the floor as he whipped around the corridors. _What the hell is wrong with those two? This is insane. I must rid myself of these fools… Even if I have to dirty my hands with them. _With that, he rounded a bend and entered a solitary room. He whirled around, faced the door with his Toukijin out.

Naraku was the first to arrive. Just as Kagura stumbled their way, he slammed the sliding door in her face. A shimmering barrier deflected her from the door. Silence, then drunken threats as Kagura prowled away. He and Sesshoumaru stood alone, in the dark, empty room.

"…Well, then, Sesshoumaru. I must apologize for that… interruption. My servant Kagura is not my most, erm, cherished underling. Now… Shall we continue?"

Sesshoumaru kept his Toukijin out, held slightly at a distance from himself. As Naraku turned around, he wiped a smudge of blood from his jaw. Seeing Sesshoumaru's poise, he held up his hands in a defensive gesture.

"Now, now, Sesshoumaru, you know better than that. Sheathe your sword. After all, yogurt isn't the only peach-made product I have with me."

_Damn! What else could this bastard have up his sleeve?_ wondered Sesshoumaru viciously, replacing his sword.

"Ahh, finally, we may speak on equal terms. Sesshoumaru, we come to the bargain: I shall remain quiet about your little _problem_, if you help me with mine."

"And what problem is that?" returned Sesshoumaru stiffly. Naraku sighed, glancing dismally about the room.

"This. Don't you see? This is the problem."

Sesshoumaru's eyes slowly swept the room.

"I don't see your problem."

"Now now, Sesshoumaru, there's no need to be kind for my sake. I'm asking for a little criticism! Really, tell me what you think." Once more he made a vague gesture of the room. Sesshoumaru arched one eyebrow.

…_Just what exactly is this fool getting at?_

To be continued.

Authoress's Notes: Waah, sorry for the delay, I've had a hectic week. Anyway, the really fun stuff is going to come next chapter, hehheh. The dreaded decorating scene, and some fun with Kikyo, if I can squeeze her in.


	4. What Decorating?

A Day in the Life of Naraku

By Dranxis

Chapter 4: …What Decorating?

Pacing the room with the air of a surveyor, Naraku gave Sesshoumaru an expectant glance.

"Come, Sesshoumaru. What has tied your tongue? Honestly, a little constructive criticism wouldn't hurt me in the least."

Sesshoumaru's eyes shifted. He stared about the room, hoping to find some sort of clue to whatever this addle-brained demon was referring to.

"Naraku… I don't understand what you're talking about," he said, a rasp of strained patience in his voice. Naraku ceased his pacing, eyed Sesshoumaru for a pause.

"Ah, but of course. I forgot to mention what exactly it was I wanted of you. You see, Sesshoumaru, as of late I have become, let us say, dissatisfied with myself. Part of my "reformation" includes a little renovation with my surroundings. Basically Sesshoumaru, I want you to help me with my decorating."

_Decorating? What in the… So that's what this is about?_ wondered Sesshoumaru, flicking his gaze haughtily about the room once more. _I suppose I should just go along with this joke until I can be sure that he'll keep my condition a secret._ _To think… I actually was afraid of this sissy._

"As you can see, Sesshoumaru, I have already made some changes of my own. I ask once more: what do you think of my decorating?"

Blinking, the dog demon gazed about the dark room. It was bare of any furniture of any kind. In fact, realized Sesshoumaru, he had not seen a single chair, bed, couch, decoration, house plant, or wall painting (save the table he had kicked) throughout the entire castle. Raising one thin eyebrow, Sesshoumaru turned to Naraku in mild bewilderment.

"…What decorating?"

Naraku frowned. He swept a robe-clad arm about.

"This decorating, of course. Haven't you noticed that I painted the walls purple?"

A pause as Sesshoumaru seemed to register this comment. His normally contemptuous façade still radiated confusion, and now, a little embarrassment for Naraku it seemed.

"Umm, Naraku… Those walls aren't _painted_ purple. That's the _lighting_." He nodded sagely, gesturing to the dim light coming from beyond the room.

Naraku said nothing. A slight crease appeared at his forehead. "You know, the lighting. The eerie purple lighting in your castle," persisted Sesshoumaru.

"Sesshoumaru, of course these walls are painted. They're background art."

Flashing him a reproving, "don't-you-dare-break-the-fourth-wall-and-talk-about-this-show's-background-art" glare, Sesshoumaru ignored this comment. He strode about the room, boots clicking impatiently on the floor panels.

"Well, Naraku, if you want to decorate this castle… haven't you thought about getting some _furniture_?"

Naraku receded a step, eyes widened. His face seemed to say as though this was some novel idea that could never have occurred to him, to get this thing called "furniture." Then, he composed himself, his red eyes looking affronted.

"Of course I have thought of that. That's entirely the point of you coming here, Sesshoumaru: so that I may ask you what _style_ I should decorate this household with."

Sesshoumaru stopped his pacing, turned about to face Naraku.

"Alright, then, whatever. What style are you thinking of?"

Naraku sighed, a childish sigh like that of one who couldn't decide which puppy to adopt.

"Well, there's contemporary… That's rather popular about this neighborhood, I hear. And also, I have a fancy for retro, but I doubt I could find matching curtains. Matching curtains have _always_ been a pet peeve of mine. And antiquated French has always suited my fancy, but nevertheless, I want something my income can support. However, Sesshoumaru, at the same time I would abhor the thought of a "dorm-room décor" look… You know, I may not be the richest lord, but I can most certainly provide myself with a decent interior. And I almost forgot, the psychedelic look of the 70's…"

"Well, I don't know, what's your favorite style?" snapped Sesshoumaru, tiring of Naraku's decorative ruminatings. Naraku massaged his temples, as though frustrated with being made to choose so soon.

"Tell me, Sesshoumaru, what do you think of _southern_?" he questioned at length, in the tone of one asking advice from a friend. Sesshoumaru swept his mane off the ground in impatient annoyance.

"Does it matter what I think of southern? Really Naraku, do _you_ like southern?"

Naraku grimaced, putting an affronted hand before his face.

"I _despise_ southern," he hissed in an extremely offended tone, eyes narrowing. "It's hideous. Those ugly rawhide rugs, those sloppy cowboy wrangling paintings, those decrepit longhorn skulls mounted on the wall. The clichéd horse statues and so called "hand-made" crafts, the whole half-assed feel to it all… No, I hate southern," he concluded at last, turning his nose up arrogantly.

"…Then why the hell are you asking me about it?" growled Sesshoumaru. Naraku tsk-tsked, shaking his dark-haired head.

"That's the thing you wouldn't understand, Sesshoumaru. Decorating isn't about you think looks good. It's about what your neighbors think looks good. At least, that's what my mother-in-law told me."

"Naraku, can't we just start decorating? I have to like, stand on cliffs and say dramatic monologues and stuff," interrupted Sesshoumaru, his eloquence dropped for the need of the situation. Naraku rolled his eyes, and gave an exaggerated sigh. He turned to face the wall.

"Very well, very well, Sesshoumaru. I wouldn't want to keep you from such an _important_ task. Now, I actually have some furniture with me in storage…. If you'll just come here for a second…"

With a bemused face, Sesshoumaru followed Naraku to the far wall. The half-demon kicked open what looked like a large closet, inside of which were several dark shapes. Naraku moved aside to let Sesshoumaru look therein.

"Well, that's certainly, an, umm, interesting assortment you have there," murmured Sesshoumaru. Inside the closet, a black hardwood chest of drawers sported several grotesque ogre head carvings. Beside it lay a poker table with a broken leg, strewn with forgotten chips. There was a lava lamp, a furry polar bear rug, a wicker rocking chair, and a set of blue sheets without a bed. Satin pillows with cartoony stars and moons lay about the closet, settled next to oriental looking statuettes. Against the far corner, a Felix cat clock ticked, while a potted venus fly trap bared its fangs. The smell of vintage leather and moth-eaten rugs invaded Sesshoumaru's nostrils as he peered in, eying the bizarre mishmash of decorations.

"I found the most _wonderful_ little thrift store," exclaimed Naraku proudly, oblivious to Sesshoumaru's doubtful expression. "I was hoping we could decide a set style for this room first, but I suppose we can do with this. I just need your help arranging."

"…If you insist," drawled Sesshoumaru, who was quite glad that it was not his own castle he was decorating with this crap. With that, Naraku slid in and began to drag out the heavy chest of ogre drawers. Bending back on his heels, he strained, the chest not budging an inch.

"This is where you'll come in handy, Sesshoumaru," he said to the side. "I'll need your pure-demon strength to arrange things around the room."

_So now I have to do grunt work_? wondered Sesshoumaru huffily. As Naraku moved aside, Sesshoumaru strode forward. He grasped the edge of the fearsome black chest with his one hand and dragged. To his surprise, the chest was quite heavy. _What the hell is this tacky piece of shit made of?_

"Now, let's see…. Why don't you try moving it over there?" suggested Naraku conversationally, pointing to the far wall. Trying not to show his discomfort, Sesshoumaru turned around and dragged the giant chest behind him. It scraped ear-piercingly against the floor as he trudged across the room, which somehow now seemed endless. Naraku watched composedly as Sesshoumaru finally reached the far wall, dragging it into place.

Naraku stared critically at the placement of the chest. He tapped his foot to the floor, cocking his head and seeming to look at the spot from different angles. Eye twitching, Sesshoumaru waited for almost minutes on end as Naraku stared. Finally, the black-haired demon shook his head.

"Nahhhh… I'm afraid that won't do. We'll just have to move it again. Why don't you try the other wall?"

Sesshoumaru turned his face away as he mouthed a curse. This time, he strode around the chest and pushed it from behind. Instantly the horrible squeal of the chest against the floor commenced, as he heaved it across to the far wall. Barely concealing his panting, Sesshoumaru whipped around and gave Naraku a demanding glare.

"Hmmmm….." Naraku cupped his chin with a hand, squinting at the chest. Once more, he shook his head.

"No. Not that wall. Try the other one."

Once more Sesshoumaru pushed the chest, nearly collapsing as he reached the third wall. And again Naraku was dissatisfied. Without waiting for the command, Sesshoumaru turned toward the last wall. As the dog demon was making the unbelievably exhausting journey across the room, Naraku stopped him.

"There! You can leave it right there. That's perfect."

An odd expression on his face, Sesshoumaru stood back and looked at the chest. It was in the middle of the room, off-center. He eyed Naraku questioningly.

"Are you sure you want the drawers…here?" Even Sesshoumaru knew that drawers were supposed to go against walls, not randomly in the middle of the room. But Naraku seemed perfectly satisfied with the arrangement.

"Ah, the room has such a _balanced_ feel now," sighed the half-demon, a peaceful expression on his face. Sesshoumaru snorted under his breath. _That's about as balanced as an elephant on a telephone wire, you idiot._

"Now, why don't we put the clock on top?" suggested Naraku, withdrawing the Felix cat clock from the closet. Sesshoumaru raised an eyebrow, scratching his head with a claw.

"You want that clock… _on top_ of the drawers?" he repeated, trying hard not to laugh. But his companion was perfectly serious, for within the next moment, he had balanced the Felix clock on the giant chest.

"Of course. It'll help the feng-shui," concluded Naraku solemnly, laying the flat cat on its side. The ticking tail waved back and forth through the air. "And while we're at it, why don't we mount my lava lamp on the wall?"

"Felix cat clocks are supposed to go on the walls, not lava lamps. Even I know that," seethed Sesshoumaru. Naraku flicked him a disapproving glare.

"It's my castle we're decorating. I decide what goes where. And we can put the poker table in the corner."

"We can't fit any chairs in the corner."

"Who said anything about chairs? That table's for my venus flytrap and starry pillows."

Sesshoumaru, who was gradually becoming aware that there was no arguing against this maniacal fool, bit his tongue as Naraku dragged out a large rusty horseshoe.

"Why, this'll make a nice wall decoration. Can you put it on the ceiling for me, dear Sesshoumaru?"

Meanwhile…

Muttering to himself, Kohaku crumpled up his paper and chucked it behind him.

"No, that stanza's all wrong. Why can't I write a good opening? My school teacher's says I need a good grabber for my readers… Hmm…."

Kohaku tapped a pencil to his chin. Then, he tentatively wrote a line on a new sheet of paper.

_Where-so-ever I go, thou art not there;_

_Dear sister, whose face I cannot recall_

_Tis troubling, that thou giveth no care_

_For the one who is… tall?_

"That's all wrong!" he exclaimed, slapping down his pencil. "What rhymes with recall? Umm, stall, fall, crawl, reinstall, all, pall, maul, bawl… What's a sad word? Okay, bawl!"

…_For the one who bawls._

"Perfect. Now I need to rhyme with care. Stare, fair, lair, millionaire, air… underwear? No, no, no!" In exasperation he crumpled up his paper once more. "Why am I writing a poem that rhymes anyway? Didn't Kagura say that emo poems never rhyme?"

"Erm, human-boy… If you're busy, could I leave now?" put in Jaken, who tarried by the wall. He rolled the handle of his staff from one hand to the other in a bored manner. "Surely by now m'lord Sesshoumaru has finished his business with your master. He'll be expecting me, Jaken, his faithful servant, any moment now…"

"Yeah, sure, go ahead," dismissed Kohaku with a wave of his hand. Jaken tottered off into the shadows, leaving behind a frenziedly muttering demon-slayer.

Taking care not to trip over his own robes, Jaken descended the stairs.

"Hmm, I wonder where that Rin brat has gotten off to?" he muttered to himself, glancing with round yellow eyes about the passages. "If Naraku dared to a lay a finger on her, why, my Sesshoumaru would cleave him in two… Well, at least that's what he would do, if he cared about her." Vividly he recalled how Sesshoumaru had forgotten the child's name. _Actually, m'lord had come here for other reasons… Something about being offended by those peach cupcakes? Now that I think of it, that's not the first time m'lord has reacted to peaches. What could be his secret?_

It was such thoughts that filled the toad demon's head as he made his way to the main floor. _It's odd, last time he had warned me never to let him be tricked into eating another peach again. If that coward Naraku plans to exploit my master's weakness, it'll be up to I, Jaken, to protect him! _Jaken smiled at the thought of Sesshoumaru depending upon him. _Sesshoumaru need never fear. His faithful Jaken will torch any peaches that threaten m'lord._

As he shuffled down a corridor, the sound of Naraku's voice descended upon the vassal's pointed ears. Curious, Jaken headed in the direction of the voice, to hear that of his master join it.

"Are we fucking done or what?" _Eep, m'lord certainly sounds angry._

"Well, that arrangement over there seems a tad off…" The sound of scraping wood as someone moved furniture across the floor. Then, a rustling of robes as another strode ostentatiously toward it. "Maybe a mite more to the left, Sesshoumaru."

"But you told me to move it to the right." Jaken furrowed his brow. What could his master possibly be doing? _Is he taking orders from Naraku?_

"Yes, I told you to move it two and a half inches to the right. That's a half-inch off, I'm afraid."

"Well, _sorry_, but I don't have hyper laser ruler-vision like you," came Sesshoumaru's sharp voice.

"Don't worry. You'll acquire it in time, my boy. Just practice, practice, practice!" returned Naraku assuringly. There was a short _scrrrrnchhh_ as something moved again.

"Look, okay, I moved it. So what was that you were rambling on about the curtains again? You know, there _aren't _any windows in here."

"Well, of course we need curtains, my dear Sesshoumaru. What would the neighbors think?"

If he hadn't been suffused with anger over his master being so ill-treated, Jaken might have been chuckling. _They sound like a married couple!_

"…So you're just gonna tack up curtains over the wall?"

"Actually, that's a great idea! I knew I could count on you, Sesshoumaru. But they can't just be any curtains. They have to be _matching_ curtains."

A snarl as Sesshoumaru stomped over to Naraku. "Look, tack them up on your own fricking time. We've finished decorating the room; can I _please_ leave now?"

"That's my cue!" quipped Jaken underneath his breath, making for the door. As he did so, he stepped on a passed-out Kagura, who rolled over and mumbled something about Shesshoumaru and pecan pies. Jaken ignored her, sliding open the door. But only to reveal a scene that would destroy his faith in his master forever.

Ignoring the entrance of his servant, Sesshoumaru argued hotly with an oblivious Naraku. Around them was the most bizarre interior decorating Jaken had ever seen. Several translucent blow-up chairs were lined in a row along one wall, staring across at a parallel line of trash cans. On the walls were badly arranged paintings of dead Russian Czars. In one corner was a quilt-covered, grandma-ish bed, and across from it a table missing one leg. Above, a toy airplane, attached to a string, _whirred _around in circles. Two donkey piñatas accompanied it, and one enormous horseshoe was centered on the ceiling. Directly beneath it was an ancient, rather cursed looking chest of drawers. A Felix cat clock, vintage bobblehead, and a signature-covered baseball mitt balanced precariously on its top. The entire room smelled horribly of cheap citrus air freshener. Jaken stepped cautiously within, nearly tripping on a rubber hose that snaked across the floor.

"…And if you expect me to decorate the rest of your castle with this shit," hissed Sesshoumaru, a vein popping on his temple, "I'll tear down this place by its very beams, and laugh as all your tacky plastic junk melts in the blaze!"

"Now, now, Sesshoumaru," chided Naraku calmly, waving a finger, "have we forgotten about our little peach problem already?"

"I have!" snapped Sesshoumaru, tilting his head confidently. "I don't care what you tell the others anymore. As though they could ever believe that I, Sesshoumaru, fall prey to such a ridiculous curse…"

"Err, Lord Sesshoumaru?" piped Jaken, fearing his master's wrath, "have you found Rin? Can we leave this hellhole of a castle yet? This miasma's rather bad for my cough…" And he sneezed squeakily into one floppy brown sleeve. Sesshoumaru sneered.

"Come, Jaken. We can leave the girl." He turned toward the opposite wall, and flashed out Toukijin. "Why don't we exit through here? I intended to destroy _one_ of Naraku's walls from the start."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," warned Naraku, though his voice concealed a laugh. "You don't know what's on the other side of that wall."

"And I don't care either," seethed Sesshoumaru impatiently. With that, he pounced forward, the tip of Toukijin swinging forward in an arc of silver. There was a pause, then a _drrrrkoooommmm_ as the wall crashed down, sending wooden splinters showering forward. Sesshoumaru strode through the dust-laden rubble, a smirk on his striped visage.

"Let us not tarry here, Jaken. The night calls."

"B-but, Lord S-Seshoumaruuuuuu! Look!"

"What is it now, Jaken?" he growled, turning his head back to glance at Jaken's outstretched, trembling finger. He followed the line of the vassal's pointing. And there it was.

In Naraku's backyard, there lay a great sprawling tree alight with pink blossoms. Its boughs stretched to the night sky, laden with great, golden-red fruit.

_No… it couldn't… it couldn't be…._

A peach tree.

"Didn't I tell you!" laughed Naraku uproariously. "Where do you think I got all my peaches from? They don't grow on trees you know… Well, maybe they do!" And he laughed that unbearable laugh of someone who finds hilarity in their own jokes. Turning away, Naraku strode victoriously back into his castle. "Have fun, dear Sesshoumaru! Your secret is as good as known." His tousled black hair glinted for a moment as he headed back into the shadows.

Brought to his knees, Sesshoumaru gaped at the magnificent peach tree. Its branches sifted in the breeze, the scent of their burden carrying liltingly across to him. He breathed deeply… the smell was so sweet…

"Master! Snap out of it!" cried Jaken, dashing over to his master in a flurry. With a swift movement, Sesshoumaru sent Jaken flying across the yard. His eyes glazed over, entranced, the dog demon stood up. And with halting steps he approached the tree, his mouth watering for the peaches he craved.

"Nononono! You mustn't fall prey to the peaches, m'lord! DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! RESIST THEIR TEMPTATION!" Jaken scrambled forward, tugging back futilely on Sesshoumaru's flowing robes. "If you eat those... peaches… who knows what'll happen!"

Once more, Sesshoumaru kicked Jaken aside, his eyes locked on the fruity prize. He lurched forward, licking his chops. Facing the tree, he intoned in a strange voice:

"At last, I have found the fruit of everlasting life, the golden peaches of immortality. Now, I can become a truly powerful demon."

Realizing that something terrible had possessed his master, Jaken leapt forward. He placed himself between Sesshoumaru and the peach tree, trembling as he stared upward.

"I… I won't let you pass, m'lord! I won't let these peaches control you!" he commanded shakily, holding up his staff. Sesshoumaru passed him a glazed stare, then continued to walk forward past him.

_I have only one choice left to save Lord Sesshoumaru… I must burn the peach tree!_

Jaken whipped around, planting his staff into the ground. "Die, oh temptresses! This is for possessing my master!" he squealed, as one of the staff's heads belched a torrent of flame. But just as the fire began to lick at the pink boughs, Sesshoumaru flew forward and neatly snatched a peach from the flames. Landing softly on the other side, he lifted it to his mouth.

"Lord Sessshoooooooooouuuuumaru!" wailed Jaken, as Sesshoumaru seemed to bite the peach in slow motion. But the instant it touched his lips, Sesshoumaru shuddered and dropped it to the ground. He bent over, face concealed as Jaken watched in wonder.

_M'lord… what monster will you become, now that you've eaten the peach?_ bemoaned Jaken, as Sesshoumaru let out a curdling howl. His frame quavered, as though of water, and he staggered back, clutching his head with two clawed hands. Feverish pantings rasped from his mouth as he collapsed to the ground. The dog demon ground the grass between his fingers in pain, as Jaken stumbled fearfully over. And then, at last, Sesshoumaru's snarling stopped. With his white hair lying messily over his face and back, he froze, face still turned down to the earth. Jaken tried to gaze upon his lord's face.

"Umm… m'lord… are you alright?" he whispered, ready to leap back should Sesshoumaru slash him. But Sesshoumaru remained hunched over the ground. Very slowly, he brushed away a strand of hair from his face.

"Yeth… Jaken," he murmured, almost inaudibly. Jaken blinked, crept closer.

"What was that, Lord?"

"I sthaid…" rumbled Sesshoumaru, getting to his feet, "YETH, JAKEN, I'm alrighth! Can'th you sthee sthath I'm perfithly ALRIGHTH?" Little drops of spittle flicked off his tongue as he lisped away. Jaken's eyes widened to the size of saucers.

_Lord Sesshoumaru… what has become of you?_

Meanwhile…

Kikyo stared at the letter before her. Absent-mindedly slaying the saimyosho to the side with her priestess powers, she bent forward to pick it up.

"A pink letter… What could that bastard Naraku mean by this?" she muttered to herself, turning it over in her hand. Cautiously, she opened it, and slid out the message. "I must be careful… This is surely some sort of trap. I am his only threat in this world, after all, and human heart or no, he shall slay me at any opportunity."

_Dear Kikyo (and I sincerely mean the 'dear')_

_Of late, I am concerned that you may have had harbored a, say, bad opinion of myself. I intend foremost in this letter to clear this up: that the whole Inu-Yasha betrayal mess was not my fault, for I only wished for your best interests, and saw that this Inu-Yasha half-demon would bring you only grief to this world. I did not intend for you to die, and was sorely grieved when I received the news. But now that you are alive, I wish to meet you once more, and with the express purpose of asking a request. My dear Kikyo, I am currently struggling to broaden my horizons as I shall put it, and I seek the profession of being a chef. Kagura has advised me to turn to you for help, for you may be the only one that can aid me in this task. When you have the time, could you swing round by my castle, and perhaps train me in your ways? I shall reward you with whatever you desire in return._

_Love, _

_Naraku_

For a long time, as her soul-stealers wisped above her head, Kikyo stood clutching the letter. Then, she threw it to the ground, face aghast.

"Is he asking me… to give him cooking lessons?" she whispered in wonder. "Is he really _that_ stupid enough to think that I would…" But her face darkened, deep brown eyes shadowed with suspicion. "Of course this must be a trap. Only Naraku would be so clever to lure me with curiosity to his stronghold. He must intend to take advantage of me somehow…" And yet, for all she was worth, Kikyo could not understand why Naraku would use cooking as a pretext for any of his plots. "It certainly _does _seem rather unlike him. I must investigate. Even if this is trap, this is a development in Naraku's soul I have not foreseen. Perhaps I can use this to my advantage."

A cold, knowing smile crept across her face. "Naraku, I shall come for you, and 'train you in my ways.'"

And then, with her soul-stealers weaving great phantasmic ribbons above her, Kikyo headed for Naraku's castle.

To be continued

Authoress's Notes: So, Sesshoumaru's deadly secret is revealed. But just wait till you see what happens when Inu-Yasha and the others find out… And Kikyo sure does like to talk to herself, doesn't she?


	5. Catfights and Dogfights

A Day in the Life of Naraku

By Dranxis

Chapter 5: Catfights and Dogfights

"…6…7…8…9…10! Ready or not, here I come!" called Rin, turning away from the wall. She swung her bushy head about, narrowed eyes trying to see in the dim corridors. "I wonder where Kiki's gotten to?"

Humming the song, "Why is Jaken green?" the human girl tramped into the darkness. She folded her hands behind her back in a business-like manner. With a frown, she poked her hand around a corner.

"I'm gonna fiiiiiiiiiiiind you, Kiki!" she projected in a sing-song voice. No answer, no telltale giggle of a hider trying not to laugh at the seeker's silliness. Rin furrowed her brow. There was no echo either, just her voice being swallowed up into the black. _Naraku's castle sure is creepy_, she thought, tentatively stepping into the darkness. _It'd be a fun place to play laser-tag, but… hide-and-seek's kinda scary._

Her bare feet padding on the floors, Rin continued on. She heard a rustle of robes; whipping around, the girl stared with wide eyes. No one there, no flicker of movement at the corner of her eye. She stood back, biting her lip. "I'm not afraid!" she confirmed to herself in a whisper. With her eyes trailing nervously about, Rin resumed her trek. She passed several long hallways, from which branched out other entrees and corridors. Rin coughed, feeling a felty softness at her feet. _There's a thick layer of dust up here on the floor. No one's been here in ages, _she thought, with wonder. _Doesn't Naraku come up here and sweep once in a while?_ The thought of Naraku with a broom, his hair tied back in a cleaner's bandana, made the young girl giggle. She froze, hearing her giggle stifled by the silence.

"…Kiki? Are you here?" she whispered. Once more, there was no answer. Rin glanced around at the circle of passageways around here. _It's like a maze. I could get lost here, and not even Sesshoumaru would find me._ Rin's eyes teared up with fear. _I'd be up here forever, and get all covered with that soft dust, and look like a little snowman…_ Now Rin really did begin to cry. _Oh Lord Sesshoumaru, I don't want to be a dumply little snowman! _Sniffling, she turned a corner.

And there was Kanna. The little girl was sprawled, almost flattened into a wall as she pressed against it. Arms spread at odd angles, her back was turned to Rin. Rin walked up to Kanna, whose face was smushed away from her. Blinking away a tear in bewilderment, she spoke.

"Umm, Kiki… Is that your hiding place?"

"Yeah. Purty good, huh?" grinned Kanna, turning around her face. Rin eyed her strangely: with her white dress and hair, the girl stuck out like a pumpkin in a potato field against the black wall.

"Kiki, why are you, umm, hugging the wall like that?"

"I'm not huggin' it!" spat Kanna, shrugging a shoulder. "I'm camouflaging, see? Like a _chameleon, _one of those freaky buggers on Animal Planet. I just lie flat against this wall, and nobody c'n see me." She lifted her head, a smug smile on her lips. "C'mon, aren't I like, invisible?" Rin shifted onto one other foot.

"Kiki, I can see you. You can't camouflage unless you have matching colors, I think. And Kiki, your dress doesn't match. It's white as a…" Rin stuck her lip out, struggling to come up with a creative analogy.

"As a…?" went on Kanna expectantly.

"As a… dirty wash-cloth," finished Rin lamely.

"Aww, dat's not very white. Try again."

"Okay, it's white as that one white rabbit from uhh, Alice in Wonderland."

"Good golly! That's purty darn white then!" exclaimed Kanna in wonder, stepping away from the wall to look at herself. As she gazed thoughtfully at her ghostly attire, Kanna's arms sunk to her sides. "So I guess I can't camouflage then, huh," she muttered glumly.

"Hey, you can camouflage against the snow, in winter!" suggested Rin cheerfully, bouncing up to her. But Kanna's face remained rutted in a frown, as she exhaled frustratedly.

"But you know, the season never changes in this manga. Rumiko Takahashi doesn't even draw rainy scenes!" she growled, stomping away. Rin pattered alongside her, keeping an optimistic smile.

"Aww, cheer up. You know, my Lord Sesshoumaru's always shown in snowy scenes in the anime," she remarked thoughtfully, sighing as she thought of her beloved demon master. Kanna pulled a confused scowl.

"Who's this Sesshoumaru you're always goin' on about?"

Rin clasped her hands, staring dreamily off as she pictured her lord.

"Lord Sesshoumaru is the dog demon lord who brought me back to life with his sword. He is so strong, but so kind… But he only lets _me_ see his softer side," she boasted, turning to Kanna. "Even if all the evil demons in the world were to attack me, Sesshoumaru would blast them all away with one swing. He's really, really strong… And he's _really_ pretty too."

"Really pretty, huh?" snorted Kanna doubtfully. "What does this guy look like?"

"Well, he has this really long white hair, that's really silky and soft and cool… But it gets super staticky and puffy when you brush it. He doesn't like hairbrushes very much, he always loses them in his hair and never finds 'em.."

"Yeah, yeah. Tell me more about what 'e looks like," prodded Kanna, a note of interest in her voice.

"Hmm, well, he's very very tall, and he's got kinda a snobby lookin' face… But still very pretty! And he wears rich clothing, like a white kimono with red flowers on the sleeves. And he wears armor that's made of dragon-hide of something, kinda blackish-green, and pointy boots. Sesshoumaru always walks real proud, but it's funny when he drags his poofy fluffy thing around, and I jump on, and he keeps walking and doesn't notice… Anyway, like I said, Lord Sesshoumaru's the prettiest demon in the whole world."

"Well, he _does_ sound rather pwetty," admitted Kanna reluctantly. "But I don't think he could win my Daddy in a beauty pageant. My Daddy's a really stylish demon, he takes up to two hours to put on his make-up in the morning, just like a pwincess! And he wears curlers to get little ringlets in his hair, but usually the humidity makes it go into these flat waves. But that just makes him pwettier. And he hand-knits all his clothes, and has my big sister Kagoowa help him pick out an outfit every day. 'Cuz you see, he's the only person in the series that changes his clothes. And he's got these cute lil' sandals, and poofy purple pants, and one time I saw him dress up like this runway model he saw on a magazine cover, but he told me not to tell anyone."

"Your Daddy _is_ really pretty!" assured Rin happily. "Even though he was kinda mean, I thought he looked so pretty and evil staring out that window. I was playing with his baboon pelt before, it's so soft and silky. And his hair… But, ya know, I still think Sesshoumaru is prettier."

"Huh, really? Even though your Sesshoumaru sounds pwetty and all from what you said, Rin, I really do think my Daddy is the pwettiest of all," continued Kanna, smiling. As they walked down the hallway, they laughed. Then, they stopped and faced each other.

"Well, Kiki, I've seen Naraku _and_ Sesshoumaru, and I say my Sesshou's prettier," Rin claimed in a conversational tone, though there was an edge of challenge to her voice. Kanna returned the look with a courteous smile and a murderous glare.

"Maybe you 'ave, but Rin, your Sesshou can't compare to my Daddy, the great Ku-Ku-chan. I don't care what you say, he's the pwettiest in the land."

"…I'm sure, umm, _Ku-Ku-chan _is very pretty, Kiki. But I'm just saying… With my Lord Sesshoumaru, there's no contest," said Rin with a clenched-teeth smile. Kanna squared her shoulders, a twitch appearing at her brow.

"I don't care what you say! My Ku-Ku-chan's the most bootiful and elegant demon in the world! Admit it!" Kanna snarled. Rin, who was the more agreeable of the two girls, took a wary step back.

"Kiki, there's no need to compare… Both our Sesshou and Ku-Ku-chan are both _very_ pretty." But to the side, she muttered, "But I still think Sesshoumaru is much prettier." Kanna's hair seemed to flare up.

"THAT'S IT! YER GOIN' DOWN!" she screamed, tackling Rin. Instantly Rin's innocent smile faded as she scrambled back from Kanna's wild talons. But even she was engulfed in the melee as the two wrestled over the floor.

"Say it! Say 'Ku-Ku-chan's pwettier than Sesshoumaru!'" cried Kanna, getting Rin in a headlock. Rin slithered out and kicked Kanna back in the stomach, then pressed her down.

"Never! I'll never take my lord's name in vain!" Rin declared, pinning the wild white girl mercilessly into the wood. Kanna gnashed her fangs and wriggled around, snapping at Rin's hands. With a yelp Rin jumped back, releasing her. Kanna instantly pounced at her scruffy-haired rival.

"No mangy dog demon'll ever be prettier than my Daddy!" she continued, battering Rin over the head. But suddenly fire and bristol flashed from Rin's eyes, as she stood up.

"What'd you call Lord Sesshoumaru?" she uttered in a menacing tone, advancing on the Naraku-spawn. Kanna relented, then stepped forward with a wicked grin.

"Your Sesshou's a mangy dog demon! I bet he has fleas too! Nyah nyah!" she taunted, jabbing out her tongue. A palpable aura of flame seemed to materialize about Rin.

"If you don't take that back… I'll have to _kill _you," warned Rin, in the same low voice. Kanna scowled, jauntily putting her hands on her hips.

"I'm just tellin' the truth, yo. Statin' facts. At least Ku-Ku-chan doesn't go around sniffing other dogs' butts…"

"AIIIIIREEEEEEEHHHH!"

Rin launched at Kanna like a hound loosed from the gates of hell. Kanna was plowed into the opposite wall. Tearing at her hair, Rin mercilessly pounded the soulless girl.

"How dare you… How dare you utter such falsehoods in the name of the lord!" roared Rin, ripping at Kanna's dress. Frantically Kanna ducked out of the way and dashed off. A curdled growl rumbling from her throat, Rin gave chase. Through the halls the two ran, like a cheetah after a gazelle, hurtling down towards the stairs.

"You won't escape the wrath of the lord Sesshoumaru, Kiki! I'll tear out your throat, and knock your teeth into your stomach, and rip our your brains through your ears, and break your fingers one by one, and mop up all the blood with your own flesh!" Rin gasped, her voice suddenly taking on the tone of a cold-blooded killer. Kanna scrambled down the stairway, panting as she glanced back with terrified eyes. Rin bore down on her like a fireball. Screaming, the two little girls tumbled down in a cloud of dust and slashing little claws.

As they rolled to the bottom stair, they froze. Through the castle, a little _ding, dong_ rang. Rin, gnawing on Kanna's dress, while Kanna poised with a fist ready to sock Rin, stared upward. Along came Kagura, who dragged sleepily through the hall. Deep shadows ringed her sunken eyes, as she lifted a jug of sake sloppily to her mouth.

"Gawd… Whudda helluva hango'er…" she slurred, prowling like a cat into view. "Where's that bashtard Naraku'sh door.. Gotta vishitor…" At length, she passed the twisted ball of frozen viciousness that was Rin and Kanna. She stopped, gave them a glum look.

"…Hey, you kidsh better play nishe," she muttered, passing them. Rin and Kanna untangled themselves and stuttered apologies to Kagura, who they prayed wouldn't report their mischief to Naraku. But Kagura didn't seem to notice this, for she trudged on, looking futilely about as the doorbell rang again.

"Godammit, I'm comin', I'm comin'! No need ter ring sho many damn timesh," she mumbled to no one in particular. As Kagura faded into the shadows, Kanna and Rin stared at one another.

Along with several rents in her orange-checkered kimono, Rin sported a fetching, bludgy black eye, and a swollen lip. Her unkempt hair gave her a haggish appearance, and in embarrassment she tried to flatten it down. Kanna smudged a bloody nose, knowing her bruises were going to show up rather obviously on her pale skin. Frowning down at the claw-rips in her dress, Kanna stared sheepishly at Rin.

"Well, umm…."

"Yeah…." Rin trailed off. For a moment, they just gazed somberly at one another. Then, Rin danced forward, tapping Kanna lightly on the shoulder.

"Tag! You're it!"

"Hey, no fair! I was busy wiping the blood offa my face!" whined Kanna, racing after her. Giggling the two girls pranced off into the castle, having completely forgotten their rather violent battle before.

Kagura loped toward a window. Sticking her head out, she cast drooping eyes to the ground.

"Now, I wonder who'sh here…" After a pause, the wind witch spotted a lone red and white figure waiting at the door. The figure tapped its foot impatiently, resettled the wicker of arrows at its back.

"Hey, ish Kikyo," remarked Kagura to herself in an amused tone. She swung her torso out the window, dangling her jug of sake in the air.

"Howshzit goin' Keekster?" she called, waving her fan. Kikyo glanced left and right, as if wondering where such a drunken voice came from, then looked up. Kagura grinned, seeing the dumbfounded expression on the priestess's face.

"Kikyo, hey, thought I might tell ya," she yelled, cupping her hands over her mouth, "Naraku'sh got shum shexy pin-ups of you in hish closet!" Giggling, Kagura pulled back into the window. Kikyo raised an eyebrow. _Is that woman… drunk? And… what's this about pin-ups?_

Stumbling over her kimono, Kagura descended to the first floor. Seeing Naraku stride by with a smug expression on his face, she waved at him with her fan.

"Oy, Naraku, Kikyo's at zuh door. Don't keep 'er waitin'," she snapped hoarsely, tipping the jug to the side of her mouth. Naraku stomped up and snatched the jug away.

"Honestly, Kagura, you'll drink yourself to your grave. Where are your manners? We have guests. And who did you say was at the door?"

"Kikyo. Yer cookin' teacher." She made vague gestures to take back the sake, but Naraku pulled away.

"Kikyo! Why didn't you say say so?" he exclaimed, throwing the jug away and rushing past. Kagura dived for the sake, catching it by the tips of her fingers.

"Kudda wasted perf'ly good sake… Shtupid Naraku…" she mumbled, leaning against a table set in the wall. As she watched him dash in the direction of the door, Kagura sat down to the makeshift bar.

"He's gonna make a fool o' 'imself… Ah well… I can just point n' laugh at him when he doesh," she sighed, slumping down into a chair. She tilted her head back and took a long draught. Plumping the jug down on the table, the servant smiled. "Thish is gonna be fun."

Kikyo sighed, brushing away the hem of pant-leg from the dusty porch. "Just where is that Naraku? If he's gonna make some sort of attempt on my life, he should at least be punctual about it."

After some time, the priestess heard the slap of sandals against wood as someone rushed up to the door. Bristling, Kikyo tightened her grip on the bow at her side. _Better get ready… Who knows what he'll do…?_

With a flurry, the door slid open. Naraku bounced up to her, clapping his hands.

"Kikyo! So glad you came!" he cried. He leapt forward to embrace her. Eyes wide with alarm, Kikyo jumped to the side. Stumbling, Naraku barely regained his step, and then turned to smile at her benignly. "Welcome, welcome. I'm glad to see your bright and shining face again. I take it you've accepted my offer, then?"

Heart pounding, Kikyo glanced him up and down. Wildly she wondered if he had just tried to kill her or hug her. At length, she remembered his question. Kikyo raised an eyebrow. "Offer? Oh, you mean the cooking lessons?" _Really, is he still trying to cover up his devious plan with the cooking thing?_

"What other offer could I be speaking of? Now, I won't have you standing out there all night, my dear. Come inside, I'll show you to the kitchen." With a flourish, he gestured to the interior. Kikyo cautiously stepped inside, passing him a confused glance as she did. Naraku closed the door after her, then walked beside her.

"What do you think of my castle, Kikyo? I recently blackmailed—I mean, _persuaded_ Inu-Yasha's brother Sesshoumaru to assist me with the décor. These halls are rather empty, I'm afraid, but we've only gotten to one room yet."

Kikyo nodded vaguely as she gazed about, then lowered her eyes in thought. Something was very wrong here. She had noticed that from the moment Naraku had seemingly tried to give her a friendly hug.

" Umm, Naraku," she began tentatively, "were you serious, about the cooking lessons? If you have other plans on your mind," she continued, voice hardening in severity, "I'd like to know of them. Now." She whirled around to face him, planting her feet before his treading path. With practiced dexterity Kikyo nocked and arrow and aimed at his throat before he could move. Naraku frowned, cocked one eye at her.

"Now now, Kikyo. Put down your bow. Don't be so unkind as to assume my request was in jest. I'm completely sincere with you, you must understand. Besides, what other plans could I possibly have?"

"Well, err, normally you would lure me to your castle in the hopes of killing me, in order to rid yourself of Onigumo's human affection for me. On another hand, you might incarcerate me, hoping to trick Inu-Yasha into coming here," she explained, unstringing the arrow while gazing levelly at him. "Or, maybe you would fall prey to Onigumo's desires, and hope to capture me for your own sick pleasure…"

Naraku pulled a disgusted face, waved away her explanation with a hand. "That'll do, Kikyo. I won't stand to be so _insulted_ within my own castle. Now, are you going to teach me how to cook or not?" He crossed his arms, narrowing his thin eyes in irritation. Kikyo's face went blank as a slate at this confirmed change in Naraku's attitude.

"Ummm… Well, I guess I can teach you. I know a little cooking, not much."

"Can you bake cookies?" Naraku asked excitedly.

"No, never had those at the shrine," she dismissed, a little annoyed with his demanding enthusiasm. "But I can make a really mean pancake. And pancakes feature many of the fundamental basic skills one uses in cooking, so I guess they'd do for a beginner's lesson."

"Pancakes?" repeated Naraku, a slightly sour note to his voice. "I'm not… overly fond of pancakes. How about muffins?"

"I said that pancakes were the only beginner's food I could teach you," growled Kikyo. "You don't have to like them, it just helps you to learn how to cook. Like, a stepping stone." Naraku considered, but then shook his head.

"No, no. I don't like pancakes. Really, Kikyo, I don't."

"What's the hell's wrong with pancakes?"

"I just want to cook something else today."

Kikyo scowled. _What a picky bastard. Great, now he has to give me a new reason to hate him_. But seeing Kikyo's venomous glare, Naraku relented. "But I suppose I'll condescend to learn the art of… _pancaking_."

"Alright, then, let's get it over with," snapped Kikyo, following Naraku to the kitchen.

Meanwhile, out in the backyard…

Wiping a hand across his brow, Jaken struggled vainly to keep up with his master's impatient strides.

"M'lord… Is that.. a lisp upon your tongue?" he asked incredulously. Sesshoumaru kept on walking, not even turning around as he replied to his servant.

"Yeth, sthath ith a LITHP, Jaken. I'm LITHPING. God, do you really need me thu thpell ith outh for you?" he snapped, voice taking on a sarcastic tone. "The great lord Thethoumaru, LITHPING! Now, ithn't thath justh PEACHY?"

"Err, Lord Sesshoumaru, it's not _that_ bad," Jaken said plaintively. "Why, I could barely tell that m'lord was, erm, speaking in such a manner." But the half mortified, half amused expression on Jaken's green face said otherwise. Sesshoumaru's hair bristled.

"Don't even sthink of thrying thu comfort me! I don't need your thympathy!" he snarled, stripes becoming jagged and eye reddening with rage. "Why don't you justh SHUTH UP for once, Jaken, and leth me walk in peace? Lesth get away from here, unthil the effecths of the peach wear off…. Before anyone thakes nothice…"

"Like who? Naraku already knows, and he already got what he wanted from you," reasoned Jaken, skipping up to his master's side. "Really, Lord Sesshoumaru, there's no reason to be so snappish with me… No one will find out your secret. Not even Rin, and we'll go back for her later."

After a pause, Sesshoumaru seemed to relax. "Maybe you're right, Jaken. Sthere'sh no reason for me thu loseth my compothure over thumthing tho tsthupid. I thouldn't leth the peaches geth thu me like thith."

"See, master? It's not so bad. Why, I'll bet not a single soul will learn of secret by the end of this—"

"Silenth, Jaken," Sesshoumaru said suddenly. He snatched the demon vassal away, diving into the thicket alongside Naraku's castle. There the stood breathlessly, Sesshoumaru gazing out, Jaken staring up at him in confusion.

"Umm, m'lord, why are we—"

"Quieth! I sthcent thomeone on the wind," Sesshoumaru hissed in a whisper. Jaken blinked his round eyes.

"What did you say?"

"I sthaid, I thmell thum people coming—"

He stiffened, as Jaken began to hear voices coming toward them.

"Well, _there's _that bastard Naraku's castle," snapped a growly, impatient voice. It was accompanied by the crash of foliage being cut to the side by a large sword. "About fucking time we found his rat-hole."

"Lyk, OMG! it is Naraku's castle ROFL, I thohgt wed lyk never fidn it!111one," sounded a young girl's voice beside him. A frustrated sigh sounded from the other company about her.

"Kagome, do you remember that talk we had about using chatspeak in real life?" came a rather level-headed sounding voice, from a young man. Next to him, a more mature woman's voice came, "If you don't stop throwing around those strange, modern-time abbreviations, Kagome, I'll have Kirara eat your head." A concurring growl indicated that the beast Kirara would be more than happy to serve such a purpose.

"Yeah, wahtevr guys," returned the young girl's voice, a note of exasperation in its tone. "C'mon it's not like I'm spekaing l33t or somethig ya know."

"Well, you can at least check your spelling," snapped a very young boy's voice. "Your run on sentences are getting me all _confused_. And are we there yet?" The boy's voice had evidently a bit of a whiny tone to it.

"Would you all just shut up? I'm picking up a scent!" interrupted the impatient voice from before. To his dread, Sesshoumaru identified the voice's owner to belong to Inu-yasha.

"There's someone in the shrubbery around here… seems like a _familiar_ smell…."

"Familiar? Could it be Naraku, or one of his cohorts?" demanded the other man's voice. There was a jangle as the group stopped in their tracks, evidently glaring about the clearing. By now Sesshoumaru and Jaken could see them through the bushes, which were rooted alongside a wide space surrounding the back of Naraku's castle. A breeze came and ruffled the green grasses in the night, as the group waited in silence.

"I can't sense a Shikon shard nearby," tentatively began Kagome, but her voice now carried an edge of seriousness to it. "But there's a strong demonic aura radiating to our left."

Sesshoumaru clamped Jaken's mouth as the toad demon struggled. Kagome was pointing directly at them. Drawing her bow, she advanced in their direction.

"brb—I mean, be right back!" she called. Sesshoumaru took a step back, but not before Kagome had thrust her head into the bush.

"YEEEEP!" she cried, jumping back. "It's S-Sesshoumaru!" Striking a stance, Kagome stretched her bow defensively, but her face was riddled with alarm.

Sesshoumaru strode out from the shrubbery. Walking past Kagome without a glance, he stopped in front of Inu-Yasha and the others. Somewhat successively, the dog demon managed to keep a composed expression, although he bit his lip, knowing a single word would betray his secret to them.

"Sesshoumaru… Just what are you doing here, near Naraku's castle?" demanded Inu-Yasha, planting his Tetsusaiga into the ground between them. "You wouldn't be allies with him, would you?" Sesshoumaru glanced at the sword, then at Inu-Yasha. Jaken burst out of the bushes behind him.

"L-Lord Sesshoumaru! Please, before you attack, listen to me!" begged the servant, throwing himself at Sesshoumaru's pointed boots. Sesshoumaru made a show of expressing impatience to the retainer, but still bent down to listen to what he had to say.

"I know how we can get through this! All you have to do is.." whispered Jaken into Sesshoumaru's ear. Staring in bewilderment, the ignored Kagome, Inu-yasha, Miroku, Sango, and Shippo watched as Sesshoumaru nodded, as if assenting with Jaken's plans. "Just don't use ANY words with _s_'s, _t'_s, or _th_'s. You can say any other sounds without lisping, just not those."

"Hmm…You may be righth," murmured Sesshoumaru standing up. He caught Inu-yasha's glare and returned it, stretching out a long, white-clawed hand.

"Inu-Yasha…" he began in a menacing tone, then paused. He seemed to struggle for words, then continued, "I… will… clash… amid… weapon… you." He winced at the awkward but necessary choice of vocabulary. Kagome exchanged perplexed glances with Miroku and Sango. Inu-Yasha scratched an ear, cocking his head in confusion.

"…Okay. I guess that works. Sounds like a battle challenge to me!" Pulling Tetsusaiga out with a flurry of torn earth, he pounced forward. Hesitating slightly, Sesshoumaru unsheathed his own sword and dashed forward.

"Go Lord Sesshoumaru! You can do it!" Jaken cried, swinging his staff. But with a sigh he turned about, shaking his head. "Rest in peace, oh pride and dignity," he mumbled, knowing full well that his master would not come through the battle unscathed. Whether it be from insult or injury, Sesshoumaru was doomed.

To be continued.

Authoress's Notes: By the way, Ku-Ku-chan is my own personal nickname for Naraku. I am not a fangirl… I am NOT a fangirl… hides behind Naraku merchandise collection

I should also mention that I'm not a Kagome hater. Actually, I kind of admire her, after some of the things she does very late in the manga series. Very late, mind you. But I really do hate chatspeak, and couldn't help poking fun at it here.

And thankyou everyone once again for the reviews. I never thought so many people would enjoy this little side-project/brain-fart of mine. :)

Next up, is the long-awaited Kikyo and Naraku cooking chapter. Mmm, Bisquick.


	6. Cooking with Kikyo

A Day in the Life of Naraku

By Dranxis

Chapter 6: Cooking with Kikyo

"So, this is your kitchen, huh?" remarked Kikyo in a distasteful tone. Her dark eyes swept across the dusty floorboards, forgotten cobwebs, and discolored stains along the walls. She pinched her nose at the smell of mustard.

"Why, yes it is. What do you think of it?" inquired Naraku lightly, as he rummaged in the cupboards for supplies. Kikyo ran a hand through her hair.

"It's rather… messy, don't you think? After all, one must prepare cookeries in a sanitary environment," she intoned stiffly. The priestess gazed fruitlessly about. "Would you happen to have a broom? I'd like to at least sweep a bit before we begin. Wouldn't want to get dust in the pancakes."

Naraku frowned at this slight to his management of cleanliness. Nevertheless, he obediently cast about for a broom, withdrawing one from a utility closet near the back. "Of course, Kikyo. I can't _possibly_ imagine cooking under any other conditions." Handing her the broom, he returned to his rummaging in the cupboards.

Kikyo eyed the broom dourly: its bristles stuck out at odd angles, as though someone had tried shoving it into tiny crannies and corners while cleaning. Wordlessly she cast her eyes down and swept the floorboards, gathering dust into little piles along the wall. But as she swept, it seemed to get more dusty, not less…

"Naraku, how old is this broom?" she demanded suddenly over the silence. Naraku paused in his scuffling, turned around.

"How should I know? It's not _my_ broom, for heaven's sake. It's the cleaning lady's, the one who used to serve the master who owned this castle before me."

"Well, it's packed with lint and dust," returned Kikyo frustratedly. She swept the ground, dragging out a long ribbon of gray dirt. Vainly she tried to seep the dust into piles, but the particles caught on the bristles. She shook the broom, causing a little rain of lint, dried leaves, and dead spiders to drift down. Twitching, she cast the broom aside, glaring at the floor that was dirtier than before.

"Never mind sweeping. Let's just get started."

"Good. The sight of you sweeping is… odd," cut in Naraku. "You might as well put on an apron with the words "Piyo Piyo" and call yourself Kyoko."

"Just give me an apron, I don't need your references right now," snapped Kikyo, stomping up to him. "Just what are you trying to find in there, anyway?" She glanced over his shoulder.

"Ingredients for the pancakes, of course," answered Naraku in an 'isn't-it-obvious' tone. "So far, I'm afraid I've only managed to find yams, cous-cous, marmalade, rice crispies, canned mushroom soup…" Kikyo stared at him.

"Naraku, we won't need any of that stuff for pancakes. Just some eggs, flour, milk butter…" Naraku stared back at her with an unbelieving expression. Kikyo sighed, pushing him out of the way. "Look, you go fetch a pair of aprons, I'll set out the ingredients." Obediently Naraku turned away, with a mutter of "Yes, Lady Priestess."

"Please, address me as "ma'am." I so sick of people calling me that. Now that I'm dead, I wish they'd just forget that awful priestess business," she declared, partially to herself. Reaching back into the cupboard, she brought out a sack of flour and some baking powder. She turned away to a small refrigerator against the wall, and found two eggs, some butter, and a cup of milk. With a sweep of one red-clad foot she shut the door and set out the ingredients in a nice little row. As she withdrew a skillet and dusted off the stove, Naraku returned with two aprons.

"Here, I've got aprons. Would you like this one?" He displayed a large, pinkish apron with the words, "Kiss the Cook." Kikyo grimaced, wondering what he could possibly be implying by offering _that_ one.

"That's okay. I'll just… take the other one." With a curious expression, Naraku handed her the other apron. Large stains were splattered over it: the same 'could-be-soup, or could-be-blood' color as those on the wall. Trying to hide her immense displeasure, Kikyo silently tied the apron at her back. As Naraku adjusted his own apron, she sauntered up to the stove.

"Alright. Let's get started. First, before putting anything on the stove, we need to mix the ingredients." Kikyo placed a bowl alongside the eggs with a clatter. "You can crack an egg, can't you, Naraku?"

Naraku gazed at the two eggs like some unfamiliar enemy. At length he picked on up by the tips of his fingers.

"But… won't I get yolk on my hands?"

"Not if you do it the _right_ way." Kikyo picked up the other egg, and tapped it on the edge of the bowl. With a quick, fluid gesture she split the egg, dropping its contents neatly into the bowl. She discarded the shell, then turned to look at Naraku expectantly. "Now you try."

With a deeply concentrated look, Naraku glanced from the bowl to the egg. Then, he sidled up, and slammed it on the bowl. It _crccciiiikled_, then splattered over his hand. Almost none of the egg got in the bowl. Kikyo sighed, taking out another egg.

"It's okay. You just used too much force. Try again."

This time, Naraku tapped the egg so lightly, he seemed to poke the bowl with it. After several minutes of tapping, Kikyo lost her patience and snatched it away.

"Whatever. We'll go over egg-cracking later. Let's just get to the jist of the lesson." As Naraku watched in wonder, she split the egg into the bowl, and took out an eggbeater. Naraku stared at this newfound contraption as though he was unaware he even had it.

"Okay, you mix in the other ingredients. I'll beat them until they're light and fluffy, as the recipe says."

Naraku wordlessly poured the flour, baking powder, milk, and sugar into the bowl. Kikyo revved up the eggbeater, beating the mixture until little foamy flecks of it danced into their faces.

"Can… can I try?" whispered Naraku with wonder, as the shiny silver eggbeaters mashed the mixture. Shrugging a shoulder, Kikyo passed it to him. Smiling like a monkey, Naraku adjusted the output on the eggbeater, until it vibrated with power in his hands. He brought it down into the batter. Kikyo's eyes widened as the whirring eggbeaters thrashed the mixture, sending it up with a splatter.

"That's enough," she snapped, grabbing it away. She glowered down at the white paste splashed across her apron. Naraku gazed after the eggbeater wistfully as she stowed it away. "I think the batter's 'light and fluffy' enough by now. Naraku, make yourself useful and grease the skillet." She flicked the stove on.

Tossing his hair over his shoulder, Naraku frowned and sprayed the skillet with a can of Pam. He set it on the stove, watching moodily as the grease sizzled on its surface.

"Kikyo… Do pancakes come in any _other_ flavors?" he drawled, his eyes slinking toward her. Kikyo blinked at the sudden menacing tone of his voice.

"Well, of course… There's blueberry pancakes, chocolate-chip pancakes… Some people make them into little animal shapes," she went on, eying him carefully. "But in my opinion, the best pancake is just a plain ol' buttermilk one."

"…I see," returned Naraku, his eyes resettling on the skillet. "You know, I _really_ dislike pancakes, in all of their forms."

"_Did_ you ever mention why?" Kikyo prepared a second skillet, setting it alongside Naraku's. She poured some of the batter into her skillet, leaving the rest of Naraku. The half-demon observed the trickling white batter as it hit his skillet with a _skisss_.

"It's just that… My dear old mother always made them for breakfast. She would make _mountains_ of pancakes, mountains not even the most intrepid of explorers could scale, and serve them on my plate. And then, that woman would chuckle, and say, 'Oh Naku-chan,' you'd better eat them _all_ before school, or you won't grow big and strong._'_ And in vain, I would tell her that I didn't want to be big and strong, I just wanted to eat some breakfast in moderation and leave. But _no_, that crazy old hag would make me eat EVERY LAST PANCAKE. I'd eat and eat and eat, and the pile would never grow smaller. And then, when I was full, she would grin, and take a fork, and force-feed me the rest. Every single morning. It was… just horrific…"

Kikyo listened to this tale with large, bewildered eyes. When Naraku made it evident that he had finished his story, Kikyo remarked, in a strange voice:

"Umm…. Naraku… You never had a mother. You were _spawned_ from the lustful desires of a wounded bandit, and were born of a conglomeration of vile _demons_. Your existence is unnatural, your creation a crime against nature--."

Stirring his batter, Naraku was turned away from her. After some time. Kikyo noticed that his shoulders were shaking. _My God… is he crying?_

"You don't have to make it _sound_ so bad," Naraku growled, his voice wrought with anguish. Kikyo stared down at her griddle.

"….Erm, sorry, I guess."

The uncomfortable silence between them was filled with the quiet hiss of the batter in the pan. For several minutes they watched over their respective skillets. At length, Kikyo observed that her pancake was beginning to puff around the edges.

"Alright, Naraku. It's coming time for us to flip the pancakes."

"Flip?" Naraku rounded on her with panic in his eyes. "We're going to flip them?" He stared fearfully at the whitish disc of batter in his pan. Kikyo nodded.

"Of course. C'mon, you don't have to have a spazz attack, Naraku. Flipping is the most essential step to making a pancake. Here, it's not so hard." She slid her spatula underneath the browning batter, and with a flick of the wrist she flipped it in the air. It landed perfectly in the center of the pan. "It's all in the wrist, really."

"Oh… Is that so?" murmured Naraku, glaring at his own pancake with a challenging eye. He took a deep breath, and plunged his spatula beneath it. Then, flicking his wrist, he cast it up.

Together, they watched the pancake arc slowly through the air. In slow motion it sailed, flipping and revolving like some disc of heaven. Down it descended… Down into Kikyo's hair.

Kikyo blinked, the pancake flopped over half of her face. A small, apologetic smile twitched at Naraku's mouth, but he seemed unable to speak at the moment. Kikyo gave a ragged sigh, trying very hard to keep her pent of frustration with Naraku at healthy levels. She tossed the pancake to the ground, feeling her hair to make sure there wasn't any grease in it.

"Oh, dear Kikyo… I am so… sorry…" Naraku forced out in the midst of a controlled giggle. Wondering at his audacity, Kikyo scowled, slamming down the bowl of batter next to him.

"Just make another one and try again," she hissed through clenched teeth, setting her perfect pancake to the side and starting another one as well. Still muffling his amusement, Naraku turned away and prepared another pancake.

Awkward silence reigned. Naraku coughed. Kikyo still tended her own pancake, a sour expression on her face. _I have to lighten the mood somehow,_ thought Naraku. _I'm not getting anywhere with her._

"Hey, Kikyo. I've got a good one."

"A good what?

"A good joke, of course."

"Well, then, let's hear it," Kikyo grumbled. Naraku smiled, took a deep breath.

"Okay, Kikyo, here it goes. What do you do if you have a saimyosho infestation in your attic?"

Kikyo rolled her eyes. Putting one hand on her hip, she turned to Naraku. "I don't know, Naraku. What _do_ you do if you have a saimyosho infestation in your attic?"

Naraku put one hand over his mouth, trying not to laugh as he delivered the grand punchline. "You call a demon exterminator! Get it? _Exterminator_!" He laughed uproariously at his own joke. As his chortles subsided, there lay a long pause.

"…Shut up, Naraku."

"Yes, ma'am," he whimpered.

When it came time for it to be flipped, Kikyo stepped carefully away from him.

"Okay. Try to get it in the pan this time, alright?"

"What? You think I'd make the same mistake twice?" Naraku scowled at the insult. "Of course I'll get it right this time. After all, I _am_ Naraku, the undefeatable antagonist of this series, who improves steadily with each near-defeat—"

"Just flip the fucking pancake, would you?" snarled Kikyo, whose patience had snapped. Naraku sighed. _I'm so awkward with this woman… Why can't I seem to start off on the right foot with her?_ He brought his brows together in frustration. _I really do love her, and this is the greatest opportunity I'll have to win her. Why can't I get things right? _In frustration, Naraku flipped the pancake a bit too forcefully. It flew through the air, pitching straight up. With a _splap, _it stuck to the ceiling. Kikyo and Naraku stared upward, expecting it to fall.

When it didn't, Naraku gave another resigned sigh. "I'll get a ladder." He drew out a cheap, collapsible ladder from the utility closet. Fumbling with the lock to extend it, Naraku set it against the wall.

"Hold the bottom of the ladder, please, dear? It shakes a bit, and I wouldn't want to fall and break my neck," he asked, in the softest tone he could. Kikyo silently cupped the edges of the ladder with her hands, watching as he ascended to the ceiling. "I'm really sorry about being such an awful pupil, Kikyo. But you're of enormous assistance, and I can't thank you enough. I'll improve, I assure you. You can have whatever reward you want when we're though with this lesson, and any hereafter."

Though she raised a skeptical eyebrow, Kikyo's expression softened slightly. _He is such an idiotic bastard… But at least he has gratitude…_

Naraku glared up at the sticky pancake. He reached a pale hand, stuck his fingers into the edges. In vain he pulled, trying to pry it off. But it seemed as though the pancake had cemented itself to his ceiling.

"Hand me a spatula, would you?" Naraku called for, twisting his head back. Kikyo tossed up the spatula, which Naraku neatly caught. He turned back to his foe, holding the spatula aloft like some frightful weapon. "Think you'll stick yourself to _my_ ceiling, eh?" he hissed under his breath. He shoved the spatula into the pancake's sides, twisting his arm around to lever it up. But the spatula rebounded, as though the pancake held an innate barrier force. Again he tried to pry it into the pancake, and again his spatula bounced off. "What _is_ this thing made of?"

"You don't need any help, do you?" Kikyo asked in an offering tone, craning her head to see the battle.

"No, that's okay, everything's just fine!" Naraku called back. But his frenzied attempts to unstick the pancake betrayed his lighthearted tone. But as he jammed the spatula this time, the half-demon felt a pressure: he had gotten underneath the edge! Now he applied every bit of pressure into the spatula. This was it, the final reckoning…

But then, in the moment he had gone on the offensive, he felt the ladder give way. There was a shudder, then a crash as the ladder collapsed, sending Naraku flying. In yet another slow-motion instant, Kikyo stepped back, only to have Naraku careen into her.

The dust cleared to reveal Naraku sprawled over a mortified Kikyo. For several moments they stared blankly at one another. A slight blush appeared over Naraku's face, but he couldn't seem to tear himself away from her. Almost against his control, he reached a trembling hand and stroked her hair. In that moment, Kanna and Rin came pattering down the hall.

"You're It! You're It!"

"Huh? If I'm It, why're you chasing _me_?"

"Isn't It the one who's chased?"

"Kiki, you've lived a sheltered life, haven't you? It's the other way around…"

In an attempt to shake off her pursuer, Rin swung into the kitchen. But she stopped dead in her tracks, Kanna bumping into her. Staring wide-eyed at Naraku and Kikyo's rather uncompromising position, the two girls awaited some sort of explanation.

"This, uh, isn't what it looks like!" sputtered Naraku, waving them away with one hand. "Right, Kikyo?"

"…_You…"_ Kikyo murmured, her shock finally ebbing into anger. She reached back, fingers curling around the handle of a skillet. White energy emanated from the skillet as she infused it with priestess power. "How _dare_ you… You _beast…_ Why don't you think of the CHILDREN for once!" she screamed, slamming the pan down on his head. Naraku reeled back, clutching his head. Before him Kikyo staggered up, shoulders quaking with rage.

"That does it! I'm &$-$ tired of your !#$ little tendencies you little !#-&$-ing bastard, and if you're not so &$#-ed up by the time I'm through with you—" She gave a war-like shriek and bore down on Naraku, swinging her glowing skillet. With a yelp Naraku leapt up and dashed away. Rin and Kanna watched with a half-scarred, half amused expression as the priestess chased the demon around the kitchen, scattering flour and batter around as she swung it wildly about.

"Kikyo! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to—it's the ladder's fault! I swear!" Naraku gibbered, dodging a vicious swipe of the pan. Kikyo pounced forward, slashing down with the pan at his feet, tripping him. Naraku went down with a cry as Kikyo tackled him in a cloud of dust. There came several anguished cries as Kikyo mercilessly battered him over the head.

"SORRY? You're apologizing NOW? Hell, I'll give ya something to be $#!# SORRY about!" Kikyo laughed, bringing the skillet down like a mallet. But suddenly the handle snapped off. Naraku took the opportunity to slip away out of the kitchen. Kikyo uttered a curdled growl from deep in her throat and launched after him. Still staring, Kanna and Rin watched as the two left. Silence reigned, and the two glanced back at the disarrayed kitchen.

"What were they doin'? Makin' breakfast?" muttered Kanna, walking about. Rin stood underneath the ceiling pancake, catching it as it finally peeled off and fell down.

"I guess so. Mmm, hey, this is pretty good," Rin remarked, chewing at the now cold, but sill fluffy and sweet, pancake. Kanna nosed around the stove, and found herself a pancake.

"Yeah, dat's good. Say, do you wanna take pictures of Kikyo beatin' up my Ku-Ku-chan and post them on the internet?"

"Uhh, sure, Kiki," assented Rin, who had to wonder at her companion's loyalty sometimes. Off they went, in search of a camera.

Meanwhile….

Kagura lifted her head as Kikyo and Naraku came tearing through the hall. Kikyo wielded the handle-less pan no less skillfully, and Naraku had to duck several times to prevent the loss of his head. Tipping saké into the side of her mouth, Kagura watched them with amusedly sleepy eyes.

"Calm down Kikyo! Really, you're going to --- (duck) break--- (dodge) something!"

"Oh yeah? Whuddabout your SPINE?" roared Kikyo, leaping upon him. Kagura cackled as Naraku was bashed repeatedly over the head.

"Aww, lookit newlywedsh—already fightin'," chortled Kagura, pointing a manicured hand toward them. Kikyo disentangled herself from Naraku and marched up with a murderous look in her eyes.

"What did you just call us? Are you assuming we're & HUSBAND and WIFE?" she ground out with clenched teeth. Nearly falling out of her chair, Kagura backed up against the table.

"Naw, naw… No need ter get mad… -hic- I wuz jus' kiddin."

"Kiddin', huh? You think my $!- love-life problems are a !&)$ joke? Your _existence_ is a joke, bitch! Why, allowing yourself to be _controlled_ by this pathetic, perverted, dismally stupid #!$" Kikyo seemed on the point of hyperventilating. Kagura stood up, red eyes flashing venomously.

"_What_ didjoo jus' –hic- call me? Who saysh I take orders from _him_? I'm the FREE wind! I'm gonna kill 'im sooner or later, seein' –hic- as _you_ can't seem ta handle 'im."

"I can handle Naraku just fine!" snapped the priestess, whipping her venomous eyes toward Naraku, who was creeping stealthily out of the room. Instantly the pan was embedded in the wall, inches from his face. "You stay put, Naraku! I just have to take care of your little courtesan here."

"COURTE--- What the fuck? DIE, ya little &&$#!" Flinging her jug away, Kagura sprang onto the priestess. Like rabid tigers they rolled, clawing at eachother's eyes and gnashing their fangs. Ever so carefully, Naraku inched out of the room, and scrambled for cover, leaving destruction in his wake.

To be continued.

Authoress's Notes: Sorry for the shortness of this chapter, I'm leaving for my family this Thanksgiving so I figure'd I'd get something posted up early. Anyway, the next chapter should make up for it in length, as I intend it to be the finale (the story'll either end the next chapter or the one after it).

N'daaaaaaawwww, don't you just love some Naraku x Kikyo fluff? Aren't they just SO cute together? I'm so evil. Really, I am.


	7. Death by Tongue Twisters

A Day in the Life of Naraku

By Dranxis

Chapter 7: Death by Tongue Twisters

_Ssscccriiinnnnggh! _With a swing Inu-Yasha broke through Sesshoumaru's parry. Sesshoumaru planted the heel of his foot into the ground as he slid back. As the dust cleared, he flashed Inu-Yasha a glare, brow twitching with mild frustration.

"So, you are in cahoots with Naraku, huh? Why else would ya be here?" sneered Inu-Yasha, rebounding on his foot and plowing forwards. Shifting into a defensive stance, Sesshoumaru stepped forward and poised Toukijin horizontally. A shudder raced through the air as the ogre-fang's aura blasted in a shockwave. Inu-Yasha leapt back as the wave whipped through the grass. Sitting in a tense crouch, he observed Sesshoumaru's tight-lipped face.

"What's the matter, Sesshoumaru? Cat got yet tongue? Ya seem awfully quiet, even for you," he remarked. Another spasm of irritation crossed Sesshoumaru's face. Outside the circle of battle, Jaken clutched his staff fearfully. _Lord Sesshoumaru doesn't want to risk revealing his secret! But he can't take this much more… He's gone so long without using one of his horribly clichéd battle phrases already! Oh m'lord, how much longer can you last?_

Sesshoumaru stepped forward, tipping the point of his blade and pointing it directly at Inu-Yasha. "You... bathar--umm… I mean, ruffian!" he cried, hoping Inu-Yasha hadn't caught his stuttered experiment in annunciation. Briefly, a look of bewilderment set into Inu-Yasha's eyes at the hesitation in Sesshoumaru's voice. But the half-demon, who was admittedly a little slow, rankled at the "ruffian" rather than make a pointed observation.

"What'd you call me?" he snarled, cracking his knuckles with a look of murder in his eyes. Some distance away, Kagome blinked. How could her friend possibly be so oblivious to the fact that something was very wrong with Sesshoumaru? With similar expressions of curiosity, Miroku and Sango watched as Sesshoumaru took another step forward.

"Here… you… will die," Sesshoumaru continued, voice growing in confidence. A scent-laden gust of wind sent his hair flowing in a rather menacing way. "My bruthher-- I mean, thibling-- I MEAN, blood-linked-spawn-of-dad-fellow," he went on, words spilling without his control, "are dithgusth—no, revolth— you are… UGLY!"

Kagome and company stared. Sesshoumaru had called Inu-Yasha many unflattering things in the past, but he had never called him _ugly_ before. A pang of confusion appeared on Inu-Yasha's face, and from what it looked like, the dog-boy was hurt by the comment. Bristling with fury, Inu-Yasha pounced forward.

"That's it! I won't stand and be called _ugly_ by you!" The grasses swayed under the wind of his errant slashes. "So what if you got all o' dad's looks! I've got fangirls too, ya know!" Sesshoumaru leapt aside skillfully, a tiny smirk visible upon him for the first time. With a clean sweep of his arm, he sent the Tetsusaiga flying out of Inu-Yasha's grasp. Reverting to its normal form, the sword clattered to the ground.

"Why, Inu-Yasha, you are painful… your face, I mean!" he declared. He waited for the taunt to sink in. Instead, his brother just stopped in mid-lunge.

"Huh? My face is painful?"

"No, no… What I mean, you are painful…" but there seemed no avoiding the dreaded pronunciation now, "--_thu look ath_." Inu-Yasha scratched his head. "Becauthe, you are ugly and all," Sesshoumaru finished impatiently. Jaken tore his eyes away in horror. _No, m'lord! Just defeat Inu-Yasha in silence! You're on the verge of letting the lisping floodgates flow!_

"Look, Sesshoumaru, I don't understand what's up with you, but I won't take any more insults from the stinking mouth o' your's," Inu-Yasha growled. Swiftly he leapt back and reclaimed his Tetsusaiga. "I'll slay you with our own father's fang!" In a streak of golden light, the rusted blade transformed to a great stony one. Inu-Yasha lifted the sword above his head, feet whisking lightly off the ground as he dashed forward.

Sesshoumaru stood his ground. As Inu-Yasha came closer, a haughty look appeared in the full demon's eyes. Jaken grabbed his face in horror. It was the look Sesshoumaru wore right before delivering one of his decisive battle declarations. "Noooooooo, m'lord don't say it! Don't let that filthy half-demon fool you into—"

But it was too late. Already Sesshoumaru had struck his pose, and, caught up in the excitement of the final reckoning, was proclaiming his lisping superiority.

"Inu-Yasha, pithiful hath-breed, ith ith YOU who thall be sthlain here! Fattther'sth thooth for a sthord or noth! You sthall never be sthuperior thu me in combath! Now, I sthsall sthmite thee with my sthord, THOUKIJIN!"

A foaming torrent of spittle danced from Sesshoumaru's lips. Inu-Yasha stopped in his tracks like a caught criminal. For a moment, all that could be heard was the chirping of crickets. Then, behind him, Kagome cupped her hands and shouted:

"Hey! Inu-Yasha! _What_ did he say?" Inu-Yasha rounded on her with an almost fearfully confused look in his eyes.

"I have _no_ fricking clue," he said, shaking his head and staring at Sesshoumaru. The elder brother remained silent, almost crumpling with misery on the inside when he realized what he had done. After a moment, Shippo spoke up.

"Umm, I'm not sure, but I _think _he said something like, 'I shall _fight_ thee with a _board_.'"

Miroku and Sango turned toward Sesshoumaru with wondering expressions.

"Well, no, I think he said, 'I shall _strike_ thee with a _gourd_,'" Sango offered unhelpfully. Kagome, Inu-Yasha, and the others gathered in a circle amongst themselves, discussing what Sesshoumaru _might_ have said.

"Inu-Yasha, be careful. I bet your brother plans to blight you with a Ford," Kagome warned.

"Yeah, that could be what he's up to," murmured Inu-Yasha, glancing at the frozen-with-horror Sesshoumaru suspiciously. "I wouldn't put it past that bastard to use vehicles."

"Well, if you ask me, it sounds like Sesshoumaru said, 'I shall delight thee with a cord,' Inu-Yasha," cut in Miroku with a reasonable voice. But his expression took on amusement. "Really, I'd never think your brother was gay, _or_ one for bondage…" Such a comment earned the monk a resounding concussion from Sango.

"Aww, c'mon guys! He's _obviously_ gonna kite Inu-Yasha with a fjord!" piped up Shippo. The group argued heatedly, completely ignoring Sesshoumaru, who stood dejectedly off. But the demon lord couldn't take their ignorance much longer.

"Silenth, you foolsth! I _sthaid_, I'm gonna _sthmite_ thee with my _sthord!_ Ith thath tho hard thu understhand?" But they blank faces told Sesshoumaru that they were not quite following him.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru… are you _lisping_?" Kagome asked in a polite, but amused voice. Miroku, Sango, Shippo and Inu-Yasha watched as Sesshoumaru stepped back, one brow arching fearfully.

"Umm, no, of courseth I'm not… Righth, Jaken?" He turned hopefully to his vassal. But the little toad demon was nowhere to be seen. "Uh, Jaken?" Kagome slapped a hand over her mouth as she tried to control her giggling. A slow, fang-toothed smile spread over Inu-Yasha's face.

"Hey… Sesshoumaru, can you say 'Suffering succotash?'"

"What? Thufferin' thuccotash?—hey, no fair!" Sesshoumaru wailed, completely at the mercy of his enemies. Miroku and Sango joined in the giggling, while Inu-Yasha persisted.

"How about, 'Sesshoumaru's Tenseiga?"

"Whath abouth 'Thethoumaru'sth Thentheiga?' HEY! Stop thath!" Whether from rage of deep humiliation, Sesshoumaru's face blotched a deep crimson. Now the group rolled and banged their fists in the ground with uncontrolled mirth. Curling one lip back in scorn, Sesshoumaru stepped up.

"Laugh ath me once more… And I'll sthlice you all!" he roared. But the threat only sent Kagome and company into another fit of merriment. Inu-Yasha himself was practically bowed under the power of the laughing fit, lying tauntingly before Sesshoumaru and not even bothering to protect himself. Seizing his chance, Sesshoumaru leapt forward and swung down with his Toukijin.

"Look guys, Sesshoumaru's going to sthmite me with his sthord! OH NO!" Inu-Yasha cried in mockery, dodging the blow. In vain, Sesshoumaru whirled his weapon about, blinded by his own rage. But Inu-Yasha easily whipped past the blade's swipes, returning his brother a thwack on the head with Tetsusaiga.

"C'mon, bro! Say something else! Like, Sally sells seashell by the sea shore!" As Sesshoumaru stiffened at the horribly insulting suggestion, Inu-Yasha closed in. He sent Toukijin spinning and pinned Sesshoumaru to the ground.

"Say it! You know you want to!" He leered cruelly at the prone demon dog. In the midst of her laughter, Kagome became somewhat concerned.

"Oh, (chuckle) come on, Inu-Yasha! He's had enough—(sputter) of your (snort) bullying. Let's just leave (chortle) him alone, okay?"

"Not until he says _it_!" Inu-Yasha snapped, clearly enjoying himself. Looking down his nose at the quivering tip of Tetsusaiga thrust in his face, Sesshoumaru had no choice.

"Thally thells theathells by…by… the… thea-thore," he growled. But as his words created another explosion of laughter, Sesshoumaru bit his lip. Inu-Yasha practically shoved Tetsusaiga's tip into one of Sesshoumaru's nostrils.

"Say it again, five times fast!"

Sesshoumaru looked as though he had just been given a death sentence.

"Thally thells theathells by the theathore… Thally thells theathells by the theathore. Thallythells theathellsbythetheathore… thally theathells thells the by thore… Thally thethore thells thells the… Theathore Thally thells…" Sesshoumaru gasped out, as though in pain. Inu-Yasha toppled backward with hilarity, and the others had been reduced to a melted pile of giddiness. Eyes venting flames, Sesshoumaru stood up, towering over his brother. But when Inu-Yasha, too busy laughing, didn't even notice the threat, Sesshoumaru knew that there was nothing he could do.

"There'sth no pointh in dealing with theseth foolsth… I mighth as well justh leave," he muttered glumly, his pride forever crushed. As he turned away, his gaze alighted upon Naraku's castle. His eyes flickered crimson, a horrible grimace overcoming his features. "Thith is all Naraku'sth faulth! I'll leave histh cathle so flat… He'll regreth ever finding outh my thecret…" Crackling with fury, the dog demon stormed away. Behind him, the traveling companions continued to laugh, doubled up as they guffawed into the night. If Inu-Yasha and his companions had not been defeated by Sesshoumaru's power, they had been overcome by his weakness.

Meanwhile, at Naraku's castle…

"And, and, and then," Kikyo stuttered, wiping a hand across her wet face, "the bashtard, he, he KILLED me!" She broke into shuddering sobs, throwing her head against Kagura's shoulder. Lowering her half-lidded eyes, Kagura patted Kikyo lightly on the back.

"There, there. Ah knew you were a tortured shoul, po' thing," she cooed, passing Kikyo another glass of saké. Raising her red, running eyes, Kikyo sniffled and took a sip.

"Ya don't know 'ow horrible, 'ow horrible it ish, to have your lover…" but the drunken, weepy priestess broke into another bawl. "Oh, Inu-Yasha! Naraku! Yer all soooo cruellllll, so cruel! All fer shum shtinkin' JEWEL! I shoulda' thrown that damn thing into the fires of hell when I could! But no, instead, all this, all _this_ happensh!" She made a wild, vague gesture of Naraku's castle. Kagura nodded as though in deep understanding.

"Ya know, Naraku's given me hell fer all thish too. Every day, ish the shame thing: "Kagura, go do the laundry!" "Kagura, go fetch shum Shikon Shards!" "Kagura, where'd my left sock get to?" And if I don't lisshen to him, he schqueezes mah heart! Can ya believe that? My HEART! Why, just the other day, 'e made me try 'is cookies. They was so horrible…" Kikyo scowled, wiping the tears off of her red cheeks.

"Yah, that Naraku, he'sh such a lil' whoreson. I takesh care of thish, thish wounded bandit-guy, right? And ya'd think thish bandit guy would be grateful, right? Cuz' I'm going over there to that stinking cave and feeding him sop and gruel when Ah could be out having a party or shumtin', right? But noooooooo. Inshtead, he starts lushtin' after me, and calls all these demons, and makes himself into some big-ass powerful demon! And he goes and makesh Inu-yasha and I hate eachother, and then I die, and he thinks thash supposed ta' IMPRESSH me! Like, he's _hittin'_ on me or shumtin'! So I'm all like, 'Getcher own woman, ya ugly lil monkey's asswipe!' and Naraku's all, 'What joo see in that dog-boy anyway?' and here I am, teachin' him cooking lessons, and he can't, he can't even flip a _pancake_.."

On and on the drunken Kikyo ranted, gesticulating wildly with each statement. She and Kagura lounged at a bar, spilling sake sloppily about as they drank, wept, and drank again. It had not been too long ago that they had been trying to disembowel one another, and yet, an odd chord had been struck between them. In many ways, they were alike one another: not quite dead yet not quite alive, both with a bone to pick with Naraku, and both, in the opinions of many fans, very bitchy sort of women. Now Kagura and Kikyo turned their discussion to lovers, their anger fueled by the effects of the sake.

"Huh, that Sesshoumaru, he callsh himshelf a lover! Why, he was just with me in the cashle, comin' to rescue me, and I runsh up to him, and he just pushes me away! I even offered to go with him to the woods and--!" She cut off her statement significantly with a gulp of sake.

"And Inu-Yasha, he'sh so gutless, wouldn't lift a finger to save me, no, not a finger," returned Kikyo. "And now, he'sh off canterwaulin' with shum reincarnation o' mine, a ditz if I ever saw one. To think, he'd pick that little wench over me!" She stared broodingly into the swirling contents of her glass. "Dog demons sure are a pain, huh, Kagura?"

"Sure are. Death an' humiliation to all the dog demonsh!" she declared, raising her glass in a toast. Kikyo returned it, and the two laughed in a crazy-drunken-kinship sort of way.

Jaken furrowed his brow at the two women as he strode huffily into the room.

"What's this about dog demons? Hmmph, the nerve of human women! Now, where's Rin gotten to?" He cast about impatiently for the young girl. _I have to retrieve that girl quickly, so m'lord can escape from this chaos! But I hate to leave him with Inu-Yasha… even now, my Lord's secret might have been…_ But the toad shook his head at the thought. Returning to the task at hand, he searched fruitlessly about the corridors. "Rin, oh Riiiiiinnn! Get your scrawny human butt down here! The Lord's waiting on you!" When no answer came save for his own echo, Jaken went on muttering. Staring down at him from a banister above, Rin and Kanna giggled.

"Hey Rin, don't you think it's odd that Naraku doesn't have a camera, but he does have this?" Kanna whispered, lifting up a packet of something white with a smile. Rin glanced the packet over.

"Yeah, it is kinda weird… Probably from his high school days or something. So, what do you wanna do with it?" she asked with an innocent look. Kanna smiled crookedly.

"Ain't it obvious?" she giggled conspiratorially, jabbing a finger at Jaken. Rin frowned.

"No no, we can't do that to Master Jaken! He'd tattle-tell, and then I'd be in big trouble with Lord Sesshoumaru…" the girl dropped her eyes shamefully at the thought. Kanna put her hands on her hips.

"Are you chicken or somethin'? This is gonna be fun!" She waved the packet tauntingly in front of Rin's face. "C'mon, ya can just see it… Jaken, running around, screaming for mercy.." Rin turned her eyes to the ceiling, as though imagining such a scene. At first, she wore a bewildered look, but after a moment, a slow smile spread across her face.

"Yeah, that would be funny, wouldn't it?" she asked, almost to herself. Kanna smiled back, as though approving the slow corruption she was beginning to wreak on Rin's mind.

"Okay, here's the plan. You go with Bakan or whatever his name is, and I'll follow. You distract him and get him to stay still, and I'll shove some o' this down his pants." She waggled the packet and raised her eyebrow at Rin. Rin scratched her chin, glancing doubtfully at the item.

"But… won't he notice? Jaken is very, um, perceptive about that sort of thing," Rin tried to explain.

"He'll never notice until it's too late. This stuff is the real thing: chemically time-set! So he won't start dancing around until he's outta the castle. Ya dig?"

"Well, okay, let's do it," Rin smiled hesitantly, finally warming up to the idea. Grinning, Kanna pushed Rin towards the stairs.

"Just act _natural_, okay? I'll be tailing you guys the whole time." Casting Kanna one last look, Rin leapt down the stairs. She burst in front of Jaken, who had just rounded the corner.

"Ahh, Rin! Finally! Now come on, you little urchin, Lord Sesshoumaru is expecting us," snapped Jaken, patting Rin on the back with his staff as he ushered her out of the hall. In their wake, Kanna crept quietly, taking care to make sure her silent movements went unnoticed in the shadows.

As they left, Kohaku bounded down the stairway, staring inquiringly off at Kanna as she snuck after Jaken and Rin. Assuming that it was no business of his, Kohaku set off in the opposite direction. The demon-slayer carried his shoulders with pride, beaming as he glanced over the roll of parchment in his hands.

"At last, my masterpiece is done! The greatest poem ever writ, 'twould put Edgar Allan Po to shame, that it could," he boasted to no one in particular, sighing wistfully. His freckled face softened as he lovingly glanced the roll over. "So many hours I've slaved, ignoring all the chaos in the household just to finish it… So full of emotion, this poem could bring a tear to the eye of an ogre! Why, I think I'll dedicate it to my sister, if I can ever find her again…" But then the boy's face fell, brown eyes downcast. "But who knows where she may be? I barely recall her face… And she may be miles upon miles away from this castle!" He stared vaguely off into a wall, as though behind it laid his dear sister.

"Kohaku! There you are! Come at once, and attend to my needs," called a voice from the shadows. Kohaku would have sworn it was his master Naraku's, if the voice didn't contain such uncharacteristic anxiety and embarrassment beneath its commanding tone.

"Umm, yes, master?" timidly returned the boy, hiding the parchment within his satchel. He strode toward the direction of the voice, and came upon Naraku, who stared past the moon-washed shoji screen at the far end of the room. The demon held his face in one hand, his profile framed by disheveled hair. From what it looked like, he had spent some time in painful thought.

"Kohaku… have you ever had… trouble?" the demon asked tentatively in a low voice. Kohaku blinked, stepping forward to hear his master more clearly.

"Trouble with what, master?"

"Trouble with women," Naraku sighed, as though the answer should be obvious. Kneeling down before the dais his master sat on, Kohaku gave Naraku an inquiring look.

"Uhh, no sir, can't say I have." He scratched his head, trying not to look too unhelpful. As though he had been afraid of such a response, Naraku sighed once more, turning sharp, auburn eyes upon his slave.

"Well, I suppose I can't have expected advice from a useless, amnesiac chore-boy like you," he hissed. "However, Kohaku, there is one thing you can help me with, regardless of your experiences with women. You see, my servant, there is a women in my life, the priestess Kikyo, and I have not, shall we say, started off on the right foot with her. In fact, would I to see her now, she would most likely bludgeon me with a skillet. But I have thought long and hard, Kohaku. And I have decided to win her love, no matter the cost. You, Kohaku, must aid me in this task, in this final attempt to capture the heart of Kikyo."

Listening to this quietly-uttered tirade, Kohaku awaited his master's sentence. Naraku stood stiffly up and strode about the room, his sandals sweeping the floor with a languished air. "You will aid me in this task, Kohaku, by helping me to bake a cake. A cake so grand and magnificent, not even Kikyo's fervent hatred toward me can stand against it. This cake shall be the most powerful cake of all, conquering all that stands in my way. It shall scatter her doubts, vanquish her reason, overwhelm her mind, and melt her heart. This cake, dear Kohaku, will win me my love!" Naraku clenched his fist, a manic gleam in his eyes. Kohaku raised an eyebrow, wondering why his master should describe a cake as one would describe their ultimate weapon of destruction.

"Now, Kohaku, come with me to the kitchen. Just follow my lead and assist with the cake's making, you need not use that empty head of yours." With that, Naraku left the room, followed by a rather confused Kohaku.

"Umm, master, just why do you think this priestess, Kikyo, will love you because of a cake?" inquired Kohaku carefully. Naraku kept silent as they strode on. After a pause, he answered.

"Do you… _question_ my skills in courtship, dear boy?" the demon growled. Kohaku gulped at the sudden dangerous tone, stuttering apologies for slighting his master's abilities. Naraku smirked, holding his head a bit higher. "That's right, Kohaku. No one can woo a woman like I, Naraku." It seemed as though with that proclamation, Naraku had forgotten that he had just been very violently rejected by "his woman."

As they made their way through the castle, Kohaku kept silent. In his thoughts, the boy failed to notice that his parchment was half-hanging out of his satchel. With nary a rustle it dropped to the floor and rolled off, and Kohaku walked on, blissfully unaware. Now, Naraku turned a corner, and came upon the kitchen.

Wordlessly the lord set to finding ingredients. He licked his forefinger and turned the page of a musty old cookbook, flipping to find "Huguenot Torte Ozark Pudding Cake."

"Why, look at this, Kohaku! A most scrumptious looking cake. From South Carolina, even!" he exclaimed, goggling the torte's apple-nut texture. "Surely this is the most powerful cake in existence." Kohaku glanced doubtfully down at the page.

"Chopped nuts, cream, peeled apples… Do we have any of that here, sir?" Naraku's beaming face darkened into a frown.

"No, Kohaku, we don't. However, we do have this." Opening a small pantry across the kictchen, Naraku dragged out an enormous barrel. "Yeast!"

"…Yeast?"

"Of course. Yeast. You know. That microorganism gunk that makes bread rise in the oven."

"Oh, that," Kohaku said, though his expression remained confused. "Why do we need a barrel of it?" Naraku ran a hand through the tangled waves of his hair, rolling his eyes.

"Foolish boy, how can you expect to make the most powerful cake in existence without it?" he snapped, taking out an enormous baking pan. Without any hesitation, Naraku upended the barrel and let the yeast ooze itself out. When the yeast had been expended, he cast the barrel aside, and barked orders for Kohaku to read the next ingredient.

"The recipe says… one egg."

Naraku dumped every last egg from his fridge into the pan, shells and all. "Next?"

"Two tablespoons of flour. And ¾ cup of sugar."

Naraku flung several whole bags of flour into the pan, accompanying it with a bag of raisins as substitute for sugar. When Kohaku named peeled apples, Naraku rummaged in the cupboards for some. Finding none, the now exasperated lord threw a sack of potatoes in as a replacement.

"One teaspoon vanilla… And whipped cream, and a touch of rum, if desired."

"Hmm, no vanilla, no whipped cream… But we do have rum!" proclaimed Naraku triumphantly, as he poured rum by the gallon into the mixture. The four-foot pan now bubbled with nearly radioactive potency, a volcanic upheaval of doughy flour, potato sacks, eggshells, and puddles of rum. As Kohaku, speechless lest he offend his maniacal master, observed with fearful eyes, Naraku shoved the overflowing pan into a large, sooty black oven. With an effort, the half-demon slammed the door shut. Little flaps of dough poked out around the corners.

"How long does it say to cook for?" Kohaku replied that thirty minutes should be sufficient. Naraku scratched his head, staring with a critical eye at the bursting oven.

"For the most _powerful_ cake… I would say, one hour shall do," he decided, switching the time dial with a smile. The oven began to hum, ominous red flames licking around the cake's gruesome black shadow. Kohaku's eyes started out of their skulls. _Is my master trying to create a monster?_

To be continued.

Authoress's Notes: Sorry for the lateness, as well as the overall suckiness, of this chapter. But really, it's just set-up for the events of the finale, which should be the next chapter. Hence the lack of original jokes. Anyway, I hope to end the fic soon, and hopefully with a bang, before it starts to lose its touch. :)


	8. The One Cake to Rule Them All

A Day in the Life of Naraku

By Dranxis

Chapter 8: The One Cake to Rule Them All

As the sounds of their laughter subsided into silence, the wheedling of the crickets came into hearing, sharp and demanding of focus. The traveling companions sat in wonder, as they listened to the insistent trill about them. Across the valleys wafted a quick, sharp gust of wind. It ruffled the grasses peacefully, but ominously, bringing a scent of earth and strange wildflowers. Inu-Yasha bolted up, sniffing the night air.

"C'mon, guys. The stink of that bastard Naraku isn't far off. We've wasted enough time here: let's get going."

A silent groan sounded through the group, as they returned to their unpleasant task. With a jangle Miroku pulled himself up by his staff. He turned his prudent gaze across the field, as Shippo settled on his shoulder.

"I can sense a strong aura from that direction. Lady Kagome, what of the shards?"

Firing back a quick glance, Kagome strode up to the crest of a hillock. Her eyes glazed over with concentration, as she fingered a velvety pouch of Shikon shards.

"Very faintly, I feel them… Many of them. No doubt about it, Naraku must be keeping the jewel in his castle."

With a grim face, Sango settled astride Kirara, Miroku behind her. The cat demon sprang into the air, vibrant flames halo-ing her ankles as she ascended. Lifting Kagome on his back, Inu-Yasha followed them. And so the companions traveled in silence, Naraku's castle a dark shadow in their sights.

Meanwhile…

Sesshoumaru burst through the shoji screen, his claws creating a trail of wooden splinters as they slashed through. He landed in the threshold, his mane falling softly after him.

Kagura and Kikyo stared as the dog demon cast about. He wore an immensely frustrated look upon his face. At length, Sesshoumaru seemed to take notice of the two drunken women, and strode imperiously toward them.

"Where. ith. Naraku?" he growled, lip curling back. Kikyo lifted the bottom of her glass up, regarded him wordlessly, while Kagura shrugged one blue-clothed shoulder.

"How am I s'posed ta know? –hic- I'm not his frickin' maid." She quaffed the rest of her sake. The furrow of frustration deepened in Sesshoumaru's brow, as he glared off.

"Thith sthink of shake is muffling my thenth of sthmell. Where'th thath bathard gotten thu?" He raised a striped hand and cracked its finger joints loudly. Kagura slid out of her chair, swaying as she got to her feet and looked Sesshoumaru up and down.

"Hey, why're you sho interested in Naraku, -hic- anyhow? Forget that loser, shtay here with ush, Shesshoumaru…" she murmured, holding up a tankard of sake and waving it temptingly. "Kikyo an' I don't bite. Why don't ya looshen up fer once?" Kikyo also gave him an inviting smile, to which Sesshoumaru returned a disgusted look.

"Thith Thethoumaru does _not_ get wasthed with human wenches."

"So who doesh he get wasted –hic- with, demon wenches?" Kagura snapped, gesturing to her pointed ears. "Hey, demon here! Hell, Kikyo'sh barely a human 'erself. Right, Keekster?"

"Yeah. My body's clay, shee, shee?" exclaimed Kikyo, proudly showing her bare, smooth arm. Sesshoumaru grimaced and walked off, muttering to himself about the foolish effects of sake. Kagura strode after him.

"Aww, c'mere! Ya know ya want shum!" she called, waving her fan. Sesshoumaru whipped around, his hair bristling.

"Justh thuth up, woman! I don'th need your you or your sthupid alcoholic drinksth!" He shot the jug a vehement look. Finally, a realization seemed to penetrate Kagura's sluggard mind.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru, are you –hic- lishpin'?" A wicked smile spread across her red face. Kikyo watched on with interest as Sesshoumaru seemed to flare up, his impatient disgust more plain than ever.

"Tho whath if I am? Will thath stop you from sthalking me? Go ahead, laugh like the othersth, I don't give a rath's assth anymore!"

Kagura strode purposefully forward, her bare feet slinking along the floor. As the smile widened, threatening to trail off her face, Kagura went toe to toe with the demon lord. Just as Sesshoumaru thought she was about to laugh him in the face, the wind witch's brow arched suggestively.

"Lishpin'. Thash shoooooo…. SHECK-SHAY!" she squealed, tackling him. Immediately Sesshoumaru was clawing her off, as Kagura tried to burrow into his clothes.

"Help! Thith Thehoumaru ith being moleth-ted! RAPE! MURDER! THEXUAL HARATHMENT!" he cried, repeating the multi-purpose mantra many a distressed woman utters in a time of need. Just as he shoved Kagura off him, the demoness pounced back. With a lurch she slid deft fingers forward and undid his armor. Sesshoumaru snapped away at the touch and threw her off. But the lusty Kagura merely cackled, tugging off the edge of his robed arm.

"Look, Shesshou's shelf-conscious! Don't worry, Kikyo and I have both –hic- seen plenty of action. And Keekster's a priestessh!" From the bar, Kikyo nodded solemnly. She had been watching the struggle with amused eyes, and made no movement to stop it. Sesshoumaru slashed viciously at Kagura's hand and stood up, eying the damage to his garments. Kagura, who had pulled back in time to dodge the slash, bounced up to him. "Having trouble getting' out of thosesh clothes? Here, I'll HELP!" She giggled and tore off the voluminous sleeve. Sesshoumaru pulled away from her, looking at horror at his bare chest.

"And I JUSTH got these dry-cleaned! DIE!" he roared. Leaping forward, he clouted her over the head. Kagura crumpled in a heap. But the woman couldn't seem to stay down, and gathered herself into a half-conscious sitting position. She lashed out and ripped off one of his pant legs. Sesshoumaru dashed off, forever traumatized, while Kagura called after him:

"You can run, but shew can't hide, Shesshou! –hic- When you feel a lil' gusht of wind gropin' yer behind, I'll be there! When you slide into hot shpring, I'll be there! When even _you_ feel the love –hic- in the air durin' mating sheason, I'll be—" An empty jug ricocheted off her head.

"Aww, shuddup, you scared him off, scared him good," Kikyo muttered, retracting her throwing arm. And slumping moodily back at the bar, the priestess made no attempt to revive her twitching friend.

Naraku rounded a bend. Throwing his hair loftily over one shoulder, the half-demon bore his shoulders with pride. He had left the cake to bake, and it wouldn't be long before it was finished. Smiling, Naraku envisioned Kikyo on her knees with happiness as he presented the cake. _She'll forgive everything I've done to her, when she sees the mightiest cake of them all. Nothing can stand in the way of my baking._ "Nothing!" he murmured affirmatively underneath his breath.

Just then, Sesshoumaru whipped into the hall. Tattered garments flared about him. As he turned hateful golden eyes on Naraku, his hair fell about his face in whitish disarray. Raising one brow, Naraku glanced Sesshoumaru's half-naked form up and down.

"Had a little run-in with my dear Kagura, Sesshoumaru?"

The dog demon twitched. Shifting so that his yellow sash covered one bare leg, Sesshoumaru replied:

"Yeth, I had a litthle _run-in_ with her. Your inebriated witch justh thried thu _rape_ me."

Naraku placed a hand over his mouth as his eyes widened.

"Oh my. I'm _so _sorry, Sesshoumaru. Wouldn't want your precious virginity taken so _early_ in your century-long life, now would we?" he cooed, voice oily with sarcasm. "But why is it that you are speaking with such a heavy, uh, accent, my friend? Is it _that day_ already?"

Sesshoumaru, who honestly had no idea what _that day_ could be A/N: neither do I gave Naraku a deer-in-headlights look.

"Wait a minuteth… You mean… You didn't know… About my lithping? Thith whole time?"

Naraku shook his head. Disbelief crawled slowly across Sesshoumaru's face, as his reason seemed to collapse within in.

"Stho… Thith whole time… You've been threathening me with peaches… And you didn't know what would happen when I ate them?"

"I just thought that they gave you a really bad rash," returned Naraku, shrugging his shoulders. "That's what Jaken told me. He even had pictures! But really, this is _so_ much better." Naraku rubbed his hands together gleefully, eyes thinning to dangerous slits.

Sesshoumaru, ignoring the Jaken comment lest he have another reason to go insane, fell to his knees. But he quickly recovered his composure, sliding Toukijin out of his sash.

"Now I really _will_ have to kill you," he intoned in a strange voice, putting one bare leg forward. Naraku took a step back, though the smile remained on his face.

"Now, now, Sesshoumaru. I have something in the oven, you know, this is no time for me to be going and dying off. Would you at least wait until it's done baking, and try some? I can guarantee that its power shall satisfy even your tastes."

Without a word of response, Sesshoumaru pounced. His claws flew through the air and swiped above Naraku's head. Naraku snapped back, sandal skidding across the floor. A leer gleamed in the demon's eyes, as razor-ridged tentacles sprouted from his back with a sickening _sschrriiiiiiiiipppllle._

"You dare defy me, little dog demon? I, Naraku, shall show you the futility of your whims," he cackled, returning to his cold self once more. Sesshoumaru dove down. His claws tore at the discolored tentacles, which writhed about Naraku's frame like snakes. One turned and shot through Sesshoumaru's chest. Pulling free, the dog demon danced back, blood soaking his robes.

But just as Sesshoumaru was about to retaliate, Kohaku dashed into their midst. Panting, the boy turned wild eyes to Naraku.

"Master! The cake! It's… it's…"

"What? What's wrong with the cake?" Naraku snapped, annoyed at having his fight interrupted. The tentacles retracted into his body. Kohaku gasped.

"It's, it's COMING!" he shrieked, running past. Sesshoumaru and Naraku exchanged a confused glance. Together, they peered around the corner.

Before them loomed a wall of dough. As though alive, it squirmed down the corridor, sticky undulating waves grappling for leverage. Stinking of undercooked dough, rum, potatoes, and eggs, and making thick sucking sounds as it came, the hulking monster took over the room. Naraku and Sesshoumaru stood frozen before the beast. Then, they turned and bolted.

"Naraku, whath have you DONE?" yelled Sesshoumaru, as the cake engulfed the last passage. Naraku panted as he raced forward, throwing one half-proud, half-afraid glance back.

"I don't know! I knew my cake would be powerful, but not THIS powerful!" Around them, the wave raced, filling rooms with its sticky mass. Halls were clogged, beams and rafters crushed beneath its might. Sesshoumaru and Naraku hurtled toward the castle's center. Now they could see the wave of dough taking over the exit passages.

"We're DOOMED! DOOOOOOOMED!" Sesshoumaru screamed over the sickly roar, shaking Naraku's shoulders. The demon lord had lost it. Naraku slapped him, bringing the dog to his senses.

"We can make it through this, man! Together! C'mon, I know where the castle's secret exits are! I built them just in case this ever happened," Naraku assured him, turning around to face their enemy. Throwing long arms of dough into the room, the cake surrounded them. Sesshoumaru frantically rushed forward and slashed a way through, pausing for Naraku to overtake him and lead the way.

Meanwhile, some time earlier…

Inu-Yasha stood grimly before the castle. A flickering dark red aura surrounded it, the remnants of a barrier. But something was not right here… The barrier had weakened. Was Naraku trying to draw them in?

"I'm not sure what Naraku is planning," began Miroku, mirroring Inu-Yasha's thoughts, "but it seems as though he _wants_ us to enter." A scowl crossed Sango's face, as she alighted from Kirara.

"Who knows what's in store for us, inside." Kagome's gaze darkened, but she quickly took heart and turned to the others.

"C'mon guys, we're here. We've found Naraku's castle. All we have to do now, is weed him out!" Miroku smiled at the girl's confidence.

"Very true, Lady Kagome. But how exactly do we do that? Who knows where Naraku may be within the castle?"

"He must be there: I sense the Shikon shards. But it's strange, something's blocking my perception of them… I know they're within the castle, but I can't pinpoint their exact location."

"Then we'll just have to split up and search," Inu-Yasha snapped. "C'mon, we'll cover much more ground that way. And if you find Naraku: destroy him! He may be an artful escapist, but I doubt that coward can hold his own in a one-on-one fight. Ain't much more to him than miasma and tentacles. Kagome, you come with me. Sango, you go with Kirara, and Shippo, you stay with Miroku. Let's head out!" With that, the group raced towards the castle, each heading for a different entrance.

Inu-Yasha and Kagome strode into the front entrance. The shoji screen swung loosely from the wall, wooden splinters strewn across the ground.

"It smells like Sesshoumaru has been here," Inu-Yasha muttered irrelevantly. Kagome strung her bow, walking tentatively into the threshold. Holding a clawed hand over his nose, Inu-Yasha's face wrinkled in disgust.

"God, it stinks of alcohol in here! Who the hell's been knocking some back?"

Kikyo looked up from the table, a slightly surprised look on her face.

"Inu-Yasha?" she muttered groggily, getting to her feet. Inu-Yasha's brows shot up at her.

"Kikyo?" The two stared slack-jawed at one another. Kagome glanced darkly from Kikyo to Inu-Yasha, from Inu-Yasha to Kikyo.

"Wha… what are you doing here?" they both inquired at the same time, walking toward one another. But Kikyo's sharp glance flew at Kagome like a hornet. The priestess scowled, taking up her glass and swilling its contents menacingly.

"Sho… Inu-Yasha… you've come with her, huh, you've come 'ere with HER?" she growled, jabbing a finger at Kagome. Kagome took a step back, wondering at the woman's boiling ferocity. But Inu-Yasha seemed oblivious of such subtle warning signs, and moved forward to take Kikyo's hand.

"Kikyo… what are you doing here in Naraku's castle? …drinking?" As he ignored her anger, Kikyo grimaced at his stupidly concerned face. "You shouldn't be here. You know that. Who knows what Naraku could do to you while you drunk?" Without warning, she stamped his foot.

"I'll do whatever AH fucking want! You can't tell me what'ta do anymore. After all, nothin' AH say'll stop you from prancin' around with that wench!" she snarled, glancing accusingly at Kagome. Inu-Yasha eyes widened as she bore down on him, splashing the sake in his face.

"You two-timin', mangy, brothel-born, weak-kneed, tail-between-yer-legs _mutt_! Ah gave everythin' for you, for YOU and YOU alone, and what did you do? Ya KILLED meh! Ya frickin' slashed me and stole the jewel! And then, I came back from the DEAD, where I got shum appreciation for ONCE, and gave ya a sec'nd chance! But noooooooo, yer too busy screwing around with her—" another vicious stab at Kagome, "Ta listen to me! At least _I_ know what loyalty ish! Hell, you can't even fess up your feelings for HER, let alone me!"

"Now, now, waitasecond, Kikyo," Inu-Yasha soothed, though his eyes were wild with panic, "why don't we just sit you down over here, and we can all sort this misunderstanding out—"

"Oh come off it, Inu-Yasha," cut in Kagome, who seemed to have caught Kikyo's contagious anger. "Kikyo's right. Why can't you decide between us? Why's it always, 'Oh, but Kikyo still _needs_ me!' ? Why should that _dead _pot of clay need any protection? Huh? Forgot that zombie bitch, _I_'_m _the one who needs you!"

"Sho _I_'_m _the bitch now, huh?" Kikyo laughed, marching up to Kagome. "Ya little wench, yer just a pale shadow of me! Ya don't even have my looksh, let alone my brains."

Helplessly Inu-Yasha glanced from Kagome to Kikyo as his two lovers exchanged shrills of rage. Within the next moment, they seemed about to tear out one another's throats, before he brought them back to the task at hand.

"Oh, shut up, you two, or I'll dump _both_ of you! We're here to defeat _Naraku, _not have ourselves a pissy little catfight." Both of them turned on him, their glares cold enough to freeze blood.

"What did you just say?" they growled in unison. The two advanced like a pair of predatory animals. Inu-Yasha gulped, and was just about to step back when an ominous rumbling came into hearing.

Kikyo and Inu-Yasha watched wide-eyed as a huge wave of dough shattered the ceiling and crushed them. Kagome screamed as they were immersed, she herself stepping back from the flow. But Inu-Yasha quickly swam to the surface, tugging Kikyo up into the air beside him. The undulations of the dough moved them out of the room, as Inu-Yasha called back:

"What the f---? Kagome! I smell Naraku nearby! It's up to—" And here he was shoved under the dough again, only to bob back up: "--you! find him, don't worry about me, I'll be fine!" The dough surged past, carrying Inu-Yasha and Kikyo off. Kagome trembled, watching them go past. She hated to leave Inu-Yasha, especially with Kikyo, but he was right. There was no time to waste. Inu-Yasha would have to free himself: and she must carry out their task until he could join her.

The strange, doughy mass suckled at her ankles. Kagome dashed back as it threatened to sweep her away too. She concentrated as she ran, feeling the shards. They were stationary, no doubt about that. Keeping her bow at hand, Kagome headed in the direction of the jewel, as the walls began to collapse about her.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the castle…

Sango hoisted the hiraikotsu on her back, dashing into the room. Her sharp eyes flew about, watching for the slightest movement from the shadows. Beside her, Kirara loped fire-ankled into the room. Together, they remained stationary, watchful of enemies.

"Alright. I think he must be farther in," murmured Sango, as she strode forth, Kirara pacing alongside her. Together, the entered the next room, which looked as though it had once been inhabited.

"Wha… what is this?" gasped Sango, carefully fingering a garment of gray cloth. A demon-slayer's sickle lay alongside it. "These are Kohaku's. Is my brother still under that damned Naraku's thumb?" Her eyes creased sadly, as she held the cloth close. "If Kohaku's here… He may try to fight against Inu-Yasha and the others. What can I do?" Kirara pawed close to her, nuzzling the cloth for its familiar smell. At once, a determined look set into Sango's eyes. "If I find Kohaku, I must take him back, whether he remembers me or not. He can't serve Naraku any longer." She tucked the cloth and sickle away into one of her pouches. It was then that Kirara came across another object in the room.

Out from a corner the demon cat rolled a great grayish ball. It was lumpy, and stank of feet and sweat—Sango couldn't help but wonder what it could be doing in her brother's room. On closer inspection, the demon-slayer determined that it was a ball of left socks.

"What is this doing here?" she murmured, a little disconcerted. Kirara, ignoring the smell, tapped the ball gently with one black forepaw. It rolled some feet away. Growling in pleasure, the giant cat rolled the sock-ball again, chasing after it like a kitten after a yarn-ball.

"This is very strange, very strange indeed. This sock-ball must be some insidious device of Naraku's," she concluded with a comically straight face. Ignoring Kirara's antics, Sango continued out into the hall. She stiffened when her foot fell across a piece of paper with a _crackle._

"My Kami-sama… This is Kohaku's too!" she exclaimed in wonder, unrolling the parchment. Spidery black lines etched across it, tracing the lines of a poem. "To My Sister," titled it. A small tear glimmered at the edge of Sango's eye, as she held the poem close. "Oh, Kohaku, I knew you remembered me, deep down!" _This must be his desperate message to me, pleading me to rescue him, _she thought sadly. With that, Sango unfurled the scroll entirely, and began to read.

"To My Sister,"

_I recall not thy face_

_Which is hard to trace_

_With a black pen_

_And some yen_

_It sadden me to think_

_You have remained at your sink_

_And no longer remember_

_This heart your dismembered_

_I don't really know_

_Who you are…o_

_Or why I should_

_When my head's thicker than wood_

_And this sickle I carry_

_Whom I have named Larry_

_Wants to draw blood_

_To make me look like a stud_

_And so I conclude_

_My ballad, so cooed_

_My end is nigh_

_Oh, how I SIGH!_

---by Kohaku G. Ferdinand

For some long moments, Sango stared at the paper. She raised an eyebrow.

"Uhhh… What a wonderful poem!" she complimented enthusiastically, as though afraid Kohaku were there and might see her weirded-out visage. "Kohaku really has quite the uhh, talent!" She rolled it back hastily and stuffed it away. "I'll have to erm, thank him for such a wonderful heart-felt poem!" Calling back to her still-distracted companion, Sango made her way deeper into the castle.

Some distance away…

The dough lapping at his feet, Kohaku dashed headlong through the castle.

"Where'stheexitwhere'stheexitwhere'sthe_stupid_exit?" he gibbered, casting about fruitlessly as he ran down the corridor. "I'm a new employee here! How am I supposed to know where the fire exits are?" He swung around a corner and opened a door. It merely lead to another hallway, itself framed by countless doors. Hurriedly Kohaku slammed it close and continued down the hall, as the dough began to pool into the chambers behind him.

It was then, faintly over the glooping roar of the cake, that Kohaku heard it. A voice, and the sound of a great animal galloping toward him. Instinctively he flattened himself to the wall as an immense golden cat sprang past. Atop it rode a woman, clad in the velvety black of a demon-slayer.

"Sister!"

The cat skidded to a stop, as the woman turned slowly around to face him.

"Brother!"

Ignoring their imminent, doughy doom, the siblings rushed forward to embrace one another.

"Oh Kohaku, I knew I'd find you!" sobbed Sango, her head over Kohaku's shoulder. Kohaku patted her back, himself overcome with emotion. But the sound of rending beams and rafters broke them from their woeful reunion.

From behind them, the cake loomed. Before them, it rose as well. Sango glanced sharply around: there was no escape. Kirara growled as the ceiling began to cave in, weighty dough dribbling down from above.

"Kohaku! Let us die together: for such is the fate as we, the most angsty characters in the series," Sango proclaimed. She pulled him close to her once more. But Kohaku broke away, staring at his sister with wide eyes.

"Are you crazy? _I'm_ not dying, that's for sure!" Suddenly he spotted his poem sticking out of Sango's pouch. "Hey! You weren't supposed to read that yet!" Without another word, he snatched his parchment and fled the scene, slipping through a gap in the dough just in time.

"Kohakuuuuuuu!" Sango wailed, reaching one hand forward as though to restrain him. But the sorrow on her face was replaced by anger. "You little traitor! You're supposed to be a good boy and die with your sister! And you know _what_? Your poem SUCKS!" But before the demon-slayer could say another word, the dough rushed forward and enveloped her and Kirara, pushing them down the hallway and out the castle.

And, yet another meanwhile…

Jaken, Rin, and Kanna raced down the passage, the dough hard on their heels.

"Master Jaken, I don't wanna be a cake toooooppppppppppiiiiinnnng!" Rin squealed, tears of fear running down her face. Stumbling over his staff, Jaken scrambled down the corridor.

"Just shut up and RUN, Rin! We have to find Lord Sesshoumaru!"

"Where's Daddy? I want my Daddy!" Kanna cried, as she eyed the damage around them fearfully. The three rounded a corner, stopping in their tracks as they spotted Sesshoumaru and Naraku.

"Lord SESSHOUMARU!" Rin and Jaken cried, bounding toward him. Rin tugged on Sesshoumaru's other pant-leg, staring curiously at him.

"Where'd your clothes go, Lord Sesshoumaru?"

Sesshoumaru glanced down at her as though he couldn't remember her face, then recalled his state of partial undress. He sighed, running one hand through his hair.

"Later, Kin. I'll explain when we geth outh of here." As Jaken stood, wondering what possibly could have befallen his lord, Kanna snuck up behind him. She stuffed her pouch of white powder down the toad demon's robes, then quickly dashed up to Naraku.

"Oh, Daddy, I was so worried you'd gotten eated up by the monster!" she cried, hugging his leg. Naraku ignored her, staring fearfully about at the surrounding dough.

Sesshoumaru glanced to his left. That passage was blocked by dough. Then, he glanced to the left. No way out there, either.

"Alrighth. I sthee thath I musth use _thath _thechnique, then," the demon lord muttered darkly. He slid Tenseiga from its scabbard with a metallic rasp, and pointed it challengingly at the dough. Jaken stared up at the thin sword with wide eyes.

"B-but, m'lord… What can you possibly hope to do with _Tenseiga_?" Sesshoumaru scowled, stepping forward.

"There is one thing I can do, Jaken. Thumthing I can only do under the influenth of the peaches." He raised the sword above his head.

"_LIGHTHNING-DRAGON-PEACH-THREE-LEAF-RAZOR-STHRIKE-WHIRLWIND-BUDDHA-BLASTTH!" _he roared, as the sword glowed a golden-peach color. Energy shot from the blade and convoluted above him, massing and balling into a vague peach-shape. The energy-peach volleyed forward and ripped an explosive hole in the dough. Hurriedly Sesshoumaru rushed through the gap, followed by Jaken and Rin. Kanna glanced timidly up at Naraku, and then followed them as well.

"Hey! Wait for me!" cried Naraku, sprinting after them. But it was too late: the dough had closed once more around the hole. With frenzied panic in his eyes, Naraku whipped around and glanced behind him. He was trapped.

"_Purifying Arrow!"_ came a clear voice from beyond the dough. Naraku leapt back as a spearing light tore through, stopping at the opposite wall. As the light faded, the half-demon perceived that it was one of Kagome's arrows, embedded in the wall. Kagome herself followed, gazing fearfully about as the dough closed behind her.

"OMFG! its lyk Naraku and sutff111!" she screamed, sighting him in surprise. Naraku blinked, walking curiously toward her.

"Inu-Yasha's wench? What are you doing here?" he growled, noting the look of fear in the girl's eyes. But instantly Kagome changed tack, planting down her foot and nocking an arrow.

"Tell me: where is the jewel? Hesitate and I'll purify you right here!" she commanded, and the fierce look in her eyes told Naraku that this was no bluff.

"I left it on the dresser," he responded, holding up his hands defensively. "You can have that stupid thing, I don't want it anymore."

"You left it… on your dresser?" Kagome repeated, lowering the bow in disbelief._ Is he lying? Why doesn't he want the jewel anymore?_

"Right now, I'm more concerned about escaping this cake of mine," Naraku continued, staring pleadingly at her arrow. "C'mon, girl, do one of your purifying attacks. It's the only way we'll both escape from here."

"Nuh-uh! I'm not helping you! You're lyk, 3vil n al. I mean, evne tho u've nevre done anytinhg to me," Kagome went on, falling into her chatspeak in exasperation, "i cant help teh 3vil dood thats lyk so uncool!one.11 Notinhig personal, FYI."

Naraku looked at her as though she had been trying to start a conversation with him in Bulgarian.

"ZOMG the doghs comin!" she cried, as a crushed beam fell across their path.

"Then why don't you just attack it?" Naraku exclaimed, at his wit's end.

"o-0 Uhhhhh ok ill try but thsi is my last arrow n im not sure I can do it… Lyk, LOL, wouldnt it be kinda funneh if I missed n we were trapepd forevuh n evuh.."

"JUST FIRE THE DAMN ARROW!"

"J/K J/K J/K! I'll fire the arrow, sheesh!" With that, Kagome raised and bow and released the arrow. Gathering white energy as it arced, the arrow pierced through the dough. Quickly Naraku grabbed Kagome's hand and raced through the hole. With a heavy _splock_, the foul-smelling dough closed behind them. Releasing Kagome, Naraku ran off into another passage.

"Come on, I know a way out!" he called after him. Kagome stared dumbfounded as the purple-clad demon faded into the shadows. How could he be so stupid to think she'd trust him? "What are you waiting for, girl? Do you want to be part of the cake too?"

A wave of dough smashed through the opposite wall. Throwing her hands in the air, Kagome dashed after him.

"Wait for meeee!"

To be continued

Authoress's Notes: Hmm, this was originally supposed to be twice and long and the last chapter, but can't seem to upload the file. So I'm splitting it into two chapters and posting both at once.


	9. Sweet Victory and Bitter Defeat

A Day in the Life of Naraku

By Dranxis

Chapter 9: Sweet Victory and Bitter Defeat

"Uhhh, Miroku, what's that rumbling sound?" Shippo glanced over his shoulder, shivering. "I feel like it's following us…"

"Then we'll just have to keep moving, Shippo," Miroku cut him off, as the monk made his way down the corridor. "We're almost there… I can feel Naraku's evil aura emanating strongly from this direction…"

"But what if we find him, and not the jewel?" whimpered Shippo. "I'm just an ikkle little fox demon, I don't need to die just yet!" With a great deal of willpower, Miroku restrained himself from buffeting the obnoxious fox on the head.

"Silence! We're almost there," Miroku whispered. He stood on the threshold of a great dark room, and unraveled the rosary beads that wound around his hand. Peering cautiously in, the monk saw that no one seemed to wait for them. He entered the room, Shippo glancing warily about on his shoulder.

"This must be Naraku's room." A great dark European-style bed centered the far wall. On another hand, stood a single chair, while at the other corner lay a forgotten bag of golf clubs. It was a sparsely decorated room, giving a feeling of dark emptiness: or just lazy decorating. Miroku moved carefully about the room, seeking the jewel.

"Perhaps he has hidden it away," he mumbled to himself, opening a suspicious looking closet. He poked his head inside. At once he raised one brow, and tossed Shippo from his shoulder.

"Hey, what was that for?" Shippo whined behind him. Miroku stared within the darkness of the closet for a time, his eyes filled with bewilderment. Seeming to have to tear himself away from the sight, the monk whirled about and snapped the door shut.

"It's n-nothing, Shippo, nothing at all!" he smiled. Blinking and rubbing his eyes, Miroku strove vainly to remove the awful pornographic Kikyo posters from his mind's eye.

"Hey, look! The jewel!" Shippo exclaimed, hopping up and down. Miroku's eyes followed the boy's pointing finger to rest on Naraku's dresser. There sparkled the pearly pink jewel, looking as though Naraku had merely left it on his dresser like a set of car keys.

"So… that's where he's hidden them?" Miroku watched the dresser carefully, almost wondering if it could be a trap. Just as he strode forward to snatch the jewel, the walls collapsed around them.

"Miroku! Give me the---" The sound of Inu-Yasha's voice cut through the sucking roar, only to be muffled again. Miroku glanced about, finally spotting one of his friend's furry ears poking up from the great doughy mass. Inu-Yasha resurfaced, clawing his way up as the dough pushed him farther and farther away.

"The jewel! Miroku! Give it to me!"

Separated from his companion by thirty or forty feet of cake-sea, Miroku didn't quite know what to do. In desperation, he sought about the room. His eyes fell upon the golf bag: quickly, the monk yanked a club out of the bag.

"Shippo! Turn into a golf tee!" he commanded, as the fox poofed into a small pink plastic tee. Miroku grabbed the jewel and placed it on the tee. Then, getting into position, the monk took his club and swung.

"FORE!" The Shikon Jewel sailed overhead. In a final burst of strength, Inu-Yasha pounced up, tearing himself from the dough with a swing of his Tetsusaiga. He snatched the pink jewel from the air. Coming to land on a fallen beam, the half-demon turned and grinned.

"Finally! We've won! The Shikon Jewel is ours!" the half-demon cried, looking almost ready to do a victory dance. But the sound of cracking beams brought he, Miroku, and Shippo to the urgency of the situation. Without waiting for a command, Shippo transformed into his floating pink ball form, while Miroku scrambled on. The two rose weakly through the air, just as the dough waves were beginning to converge beneath them.

"Inu-Yasha! This strange matter is taking over the castle— we have to find the others and escape quickly!" Miroku warned. Inu-Yasha glanced about the sea beneath him.

"We can't leave without Kagome! She set out to kill Naraku!" Worriedly he and Miroku washed their sights over the heaving pale cake beneath them. But in one area untouched by dough, Naraku and Kagome emerged, only to stop in terror before it.

"Kagome!" Inu-Yasha called over the roar, but gasped upon seeing her running with Naraku in tow. Kagome stared at the surrounding dough with deathly fear in her eyes. Screaming something unintelligible to them, but sounding very angry, the girl clung to Naraku in terror, seemingly forgetting herself in the panic of the situation. Though equally mortified, Naraku flung her away. Both of them retreated farther back as the cake advanced.

"That bastard… getting Kagome in danger!" Inu-Yasha snarled, springing from his perch. He alighted in their enclosed bit of floor, raising Tetsusaiga threateningly. "Get away from her, Naraku! This monster is _your_ creation, isn't it!"

"He told me he was trying to bake a _cake_," Kagome explained, shooting a glare at Naraku. Inu-Yasha paused, a strange look stamped on his face, but did not relent as he strode forward.

"I don't care what he was trying to do—Naraku, you're going to answer for it now. We have the Shikon Jewel!" He clutched it triumphantly in one hand.

"Look, people, I don't care about that Shiton Jewel, or whatever it's called, anymore," growled Naraku through clenched teeth. "We shouldn't be arguing about this now! Let's just join forces and fight the cake!" The dough began to converge around them. "All I ever wanted was to cook something to impress Kikyo… I didn't mean for this to happen…" The demon looked on the verge of tears.

Seriously confused by the situation, Kagome and Inu-Yasha stared at the near-mental breakdown of their greatest enemy. Miroku and Shippo floated down, gazing with equal disconcertion. At that moment, a dough-caked Kirara burst from the ceiling. Herself coated with the off-white stuff, Sango shouted down at her friends.

"C'mon, everyone! We can escape on Kirara!"

Inu-Yasha, Miroku, Kagome, and Shippo gave Naraku a fleeting glance as Kirara landed. Naraku stared at Kirara like his own personal chariot of heaven.

"Uhhh…. See ya, I guess, Naraku," muttered Inu-Yasha, climbing on. Kagome joined him, Miroku and Shippo behind her. With difficulty Kirara rose into the air, leaving Naraku alone in the center of the great cake sea.

"No, wait! You can't all just leave me here!" Naraku whimpered, as his last chance for escape drifted away. But his plead fell deaf on the heroes' ears, as the villain himself was engulfed in his own merciless creation.

OOOO

Sesshoumaru lifted his head, calmly surveying the fading stars. A chill wind sifted through his hair, and he brushed one stray strand away from his face. The demon lowered his gaze, sagacious eyes falling upon the graying mantle of the east.

"So, dawn is upon our doorstep," he intoned to no one in particular. As he did so, he drew breath in astonishment. _My lisp… it's gone! The effects of the peach are finally fading!_

"M'lord! You can speak again!" Jaken cried, leaping up in celebration. But instantly he came down and scratched his rump, muttering something about an abominable itching attack.

"But Master Jaken, Sesshoumaru's always been able to speak!" said Rin, a petulant look on his face. "He's never been mute, like I was once." Jaken eyed her carefully, wondering how the child never noticed her lord's odd manner of speech. Rin turned back to him. "Hey, where'd Kiki go?"

"Kiki?" spat Jaken, furiously scratching himself, "Don't you mean Kanna? That's what she told me her name was."

"Well, she always insisted I call her Kiki."

"Whatever. That little ghoul of Naraku's just left after she hit her head on the ground, saying something about returning to her master."

Rin's face puckered in confusion at such a statement, but she quickly returned her attention to other matters. Skipping up to Sesshoumaru's side, she smiled up at him.

"I had a lot of fun at Naraku's castle, Sesshoumaru! Kiki and I played hide-and-seek, and wrestled, and… But I'm glad you came to rescue me. Hey, what were you doing with Naraku when all the sticky stuff bubbled around anyway?"

Sesshoumaru blinked, as though jarred from his thoughts, and gazed down at her. He still seemed unable to place the girl's name. But after a moment, he managed with difficulty:

"..Rin, isn't it?" He pointed an uncertain finger at her.

"YAY! Lord Sesshoumaru finally got my name right!" Rin squealed in triumph, running back and grabbing Jaken's hands. She was about to do a dance with the toad demon, when he thrust her away, muttering angrily.

"Don't get so worked up, child, it's just one syllable. And why won't this infernal itching stop?" he snapped, now having to resort to the point of his staff for relief. Smiling a knowing smile, Rin hid a giggle and ran back to Sesshoumaru. "So, where are we going now, Lord Sesshoumaru?"

"Wherever the wind beckons," murmured Sesshoumaru mysteriously, as he glimpsed the edge of the sun. "As long as it's far, FAR away from Naraku, peach trees, or Inu-Yasha and his companions, I do not care where we go from here."

"But don't we need to pick up Aun? We left him in the tune-up place. That's back towards Naraku's castle isn't it?"

Sesshoumaru mentally slapped himself in the forehead. He had forgotten that his dragon was in the shop. But there was absolutely no way he was returning near that hellhole of humiliation ever again. "Errr, Rin, maybe we can leave Aun for a little while longer. Lord Sesshoumaru thinks that maybe he's not done getting an oil change yet. Why don't we just go in the general direction _away_ from Naraku's castle for now, hm?"

"Yippee! Let's go on a road trip!" Rin cried, skipping in his wake. And so, the deeply scarred Sesshoumaru, the highly pleased Rin, and the horrendously itchy Jaken, faded into the glow of the rising sun as they journeyed on.

OOOO

Kikyo stood slowly, as the sticky dough fell away from her. She sneezed, globs of the stuff hanging from her nose, as she turned miserable eyes to the rising sun. _God, this sun'll just bake this crap right onto me_, she thought with a dismal frown. _I'd better go and wash_.

She went on the chaotic tumble of dough, sliding and stumbling as she made her way, feet rising and falling heavily as though through snow or deep swamp. Occasionally, the priestess's foot would be sucked in, and she would fall face-first into the muck. Rising once more, Kikyo clenched back a heavy growl, as she wiped the cake off her face.

"This is all Naraku's fault," she muttered angrily, tears of pain crimping the corner of her eyes as a painful headache set in. "Why'd I have to get so damn drunk? And my clothes are all ruined, and I feel like… like dirt…" She sniffled, lashing an aimless kick at a broken spar of wood sticking up from the turmoil. "When I see that stupid Naraku, I'm gonna give him such a beating, he'll be black and blue the rest of his so-called life…"

Some distance away, Kanna strode wordlessly through the wreckage. Stopping, the black-eyed girl gazed down. She paused then stooped to retrieve a disc-like object from the dough: wiping it off, the girl gave a small, ghostly smile at her long-lost mirror.

"Hey, Kiki, you're still alive," said Kohaku tonelessly, perched atop a dislodged rafter. "Did Rin get away?"

Kanna turned her hollow sights upon him. A small trace of confusion rippled in the depthless pools of her eyes.

"I am called Kanna," she said simply. Kohaku scratched his head, digging dough out of his ponytail.

"Ooooooookay then. I guess you're back to normal then?"

"…Normal?"

"Yeah, you were all crazy before." Now traces of actual emotion were beginning to appear on Kanna's face.

"I do not understand. How was I 'crazy?'"

Kohaku gave a wry smile. Leaping down into the dough with a splash, he strove to explain her previous behavior.

"Okay, so, you were callin' yourself Kiki, and saying Naraku was your Daddy, and going around trying to give him a hug…"

Kikyo glanced boredly at them from afar, watching the slow progression of wonder on Kanna's face as she listened to Kohaku's account of her antics. It seemed as though the demon slayer was giving the little girl ideas. "It's no matter of mine," Kikyo said under her breath, with a sigh. "I should just leave now…"

She yelped as a hand shot up and grabbed her foot. Tearing away, Kikyo stumbled back and watched as a figure emerged from the dough. It patted the gobs off its arms, turning to survey the damage.

"My, my, and I was just about to finish paying off the castle's electric bills," he sighed, tsk-tsking. "Now I'll have to find another secret hideout… And I'll never find one with such beautiful ceilings again…" Kikyo recognized the voice to be Naraku's. Wiping the dough from his face, Naraku turned to behold Kikyo.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was that you I grabbed? My apologies, I thought you were a beam of wood." He stooped forward, offering his hand. Kikyo glared darkly at it, then grudgingly allowed him to pull her up. She fell heavily against him, then pulled roughly away. Naraku gazed intently at her with his auburn eyes, as Kikyo threw her glance stubbornly away. Both of them could hear birdsong some way away, as the morning light set in.

"So… umm… how do you like my cake?" began Naraku with a weak smile, gesturing at the rolling expanses of dough. Kikyo stared dourly about them.

"You were trying to bake… a cake."

"Yes. For you," Naraku offered, declining his head but still gazing at her earnestly.

"Stupid, you couldn't even make yourself a pancake," Kikyo growled, though there was a hint of laughter in her voice. She hid her face, scowling and turning away. _No, it's not cute or funny! Stop smiling! You shouldn't encourage him, this guy has done nothing but made you miserable._

Naraku continued to gaze silently at her, a suddenly serious expression on his face. Striding forward through the muck, he surprised her by reaching for her hand.

"Kikyo… you know, I didn't mean for any of this to happen… I was just trying to say…"

Kikyo stared back at him as he seemed to fight himself mentally, searching for the words. A hint of annoyance, disgust, and finally, hidden wonder crossed the priestess's face as he stepped forward, his face nearly touching her's.

"Forgive me, but I… love you."

Before she could pull away, Naraku moved in. Kikyo stood frozen, eyes wide as his lips touched hers softly. Trembling with what she hoped deep down was anger, she tried to pull away, but Naraku held her fast. In defeat, Kikyo allowed her eyes to ease close. Then, Naraku's own eyes fluttered open, and he drew away from her.

They stood looking at one another, Naraku with a question in his eyes, Kikyo with shock in her own. She lifted one hand to her lips, then teared up in rage.

"Naraku, you bastard!" she screamed, face reddening. How dare he take advantage of her and force a kiss! "Just, go.. go _screw yourself_!" she forced out, lunging forward. Before he could react, Kikyo balled her fist and socked him mercilessly in the cheekbone. Naraku had long past the point of getting left off with a ladylike slap.

With an "oomph!" Naraku sailed back, hitting into the dough and sinking. He swam up, trying to rise but slipping in again as he called after her.

"No, Kikyo, wait! I-I can get those dough stains out! I promise! I've done it before, and I can do it again! And the cake too! I'll, I'll bake you another one! It doesn't even have to be Huguenot Torte Ozark Pudding Cake!"

Kikyo marched off, snuffling as she wiped one arm across her tear-streaked face. Turning a deaf ear to Naraku's cries, she made for the surrounding forest. Her soul collectors weaved down, surrounding her sympathetically. Without looking back, Kikyo stomped off into the darkness. The priestess had, quite frankly, taken enough shit from half-demons that day.

With a dismal groan, Naraku slumped down into the dough. He sat staring aimlessly for a minute, wondering where he went wrong, when Kagura poked her head up beside him.

"Uuuuuuuuurgh…. Whuh happened?" the wind witch slurred, digging herself out sluggishly. She sat up, looking distastefully at the sticky destruction around her. "Huh, looks like I missed all thuh action." She grumbled, running fingers through her tangled hair. "Whut a hangover…"

Ignoring his servant as she eyed her empty sake bottle sadly, Naraku stared off into the sky.

"Well, looks like it's another day," he remarked wistfully, blinking at the sun. It was hard to think so much had happened in just one day of his life. "Ya know, maybe I learned something from all this." Another pause.

"Say, Kagura," he continued, at length, "maybe I wasn't meant to be a chef after all."

"No kiddin,'" Kagura returned snarkily, shaking her bottle and watching the last drop slip out.

"No… maybe, I was meant to be something else," Naraku continued, standing up. "I've been blind to it all along. I see clearly now. My calling… perhaps I am meant to be a dancer!" He struck an awkward pirouette. Kagura gave him a disapproving look. "Okay, maybe not a _ballet_ dancer. After all, I hate those tights… always showing off the men's tushes in such a vulgar manner." He thought for a moment. "Say, Kagura, would you like to get up and do the tango with me?"

"…Naraku, why don't you just give up and go back to what you do best? Like, collecting Shikon Shards? Or plotting random people's demises? Or designing fashionable baboon wear?" Kagura looked at him incredulously, wondering how her master could have come so far from his old scheming self.

"No, Inu-Yasha and his friends made off with the jewel," Naraku dismissed. "But really, now that I think of it, becoming a bee-keeper sounds like a fun hobby… We could always have honey with our toast on hand, every morning! Or a unicyclist! I hear it's an attractive hobby with the ladies, you know," he boasted. Kagura rested her head on plank, turning away as her hangover raged.

"Just… just shut up, Naraku," she groaned. And leaving her master to contemplate the opportunities of the coming day, Kagura fell to sleep.

The End

Authoress's Notes: ….Whew! Quite a long chapter! Combined with the last one, it was20 pages, at least. But I wanted to end it here. As you could probably tell, this chapter was a bit more, "extreme" in many respects. But from the beginning this parody was designed to start out vaguely sane and become a chaotic mess by the end, so I suppose I achieved my goal.

Anyway, this was very fun to write, and I would like to write more fanfiction in the future. But I have a lot of original fiction I have to get back to at the moment, so that'd be a while from now. If I did write again, it'd be to practice with different genres (if you couldn't tell, this was my first experiment with written comedy) such as romance, drama, horror, ect. Though I'd like to do some sort of sequel to this, maybe featuring the Naraku-gang characters from later in the series, such as Hakudoushi, Moryoumaru, Akago, Byakuya… Argh, I'm getting ideas for it already!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little side-project of mine. Thank you very much for reading and reviewing my work, you guys are the best. :)


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